The Journey

While living in LA I started doing something upon a friends recommendation.  I noticed I was slowly wearing down living in the city of Angels in the respectively cold Southern California Winter.  Everyday walking to and from the hospital two sometimes three times a day only to arrive back at an empty small and dark apartment which was not the most hospitable environment and full of other cancer fighters- one of which died while I was living there.  They were all exceptionally older than myself and when we encountered one another we would merely silently nod, smile  and acknowledged that we were in the same war waging inside ourselves.  Not a single word was ever spoken to any of my neighbors, but we all had the bond of battling for our lives.  Living in this environment was not a great way to stay mentally healthy, but it also made me face the reality and severity of what I was up against. One day I went and had lunch with a friend Greyson and ironicall...

I always had this idea in my head of fighting like hell, winning my fight with cancer, moving on with my life and living happily ever after.  I guess I wasn't being too realistic with myself since my mentality from day one has been "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best."  Even before I abruptly ended all my treatments I realized that I needed to start working again.  My treatment dosages were being gradually reduced and other than the first morning after my chemo I was basically fully functional again.  I built up some debt that wasn't doing anything but getting higher and staying at home all alone everyday was getting really old.  After I stopped all Western treatments there was no doubt in my mind any longer, if I didn't find ways to stay busy I think I might lose my mind. I remained an employee of my previous employer and planned on returning back there upon completion of my treatment, but situations changed and I was no longer able to return.  Thi...

The longest and most stressful slash amazing year of my life has finally ended.  365 days ago at about 9am I found out I had a tumor in my brain.  That tumor turned out to be cancer.  That cancer turned out to be one of the worst cancers around.  A year ago marked the beginning of a new lifelong battle that has only just begun.  365 days ago I began a road that will shape how the rest of my life will be navigated.  When I speak to my close friends about the upcoming 'anniversary' they always comment on how fast the year went by.  For me, this past year seemed like it lasted 5.  I guess being on this side of the fence is a bit different, I am just glad it is finally over!  My progress with this cancer has put me into a very small population of people.  GBM's are notorious for regrowing quite rapidly and not a very large percentage of GBM patients go as long as I have without showing any signs of regrowth- lets pray this continues for anot...

It's been a few weeks since I last post and a stressful slash amazing few weeks they have been.  The last post I did was from Portland.  I was visiting my family up there enjoying one final trip to the Pacific Northwest before Summer officially ends.  It was an amazing trip filled with adventure, memories, amazing scenery and most of all love.  Not being able to drive to my sisters homes whenever I want just to chat is often times frustrating since we are all so close as a family.  Getting to see them always makes me whatever stresses or worries I have diminish and I am able to forget about the 'C word' for a little bit.  My last trip closed with some really tough news that I was not expecting at all. When I started this whole journey I was introduced to and met some amazing people, including some new friends from all over the world.  Obviously I have yet to meet a lot of them in person, but we often chat via e-mail or text.  The young adult can...

Staying sane while wandering the 'cancer road' is not that easy of a task.  I don't know how many of you have taken the time to read into the type of cancer I am currently fighting, but of the cancers that are out there GBM's are not the best option.  Obviously cancer is cancer and there is not a single one out there that is in anyway good, but GBM's are one of the more aggressive and deadly.  I try my hardest to not look at statistics and I go out of my way to not read anything regarding my ailment because 99% of the time it is just bad news, but sometimes it is unavoidable.  Today was one of those days. My last post was regarding one of the strongest persons I have ever met.  Lauren 'Lola' Scott taught me what strength is in a way nobody else could.  She didn't have the same cancer, but hers was just as bad.  She fought from the day she was a teenager until her departure at 16.  I started Little Kings to keep my mind...

People always immediately look for answers or justification when a tragedy happens.  We need closure or an answer.  We need to find meaning in things that seem so terrible or else it makes it that much harder to cope.  Lola's death is a tragedy.  It is terrible that such an amazing young women was taken so early.  But that is what death is, it is tragic by definition.  It is the ultimate end and the final period.  After my diagnosis I have looked at life very differently.  I now notice things and understand things that I may not have understood before.  Maybe it is just me looking for answers like everyone else, but the conclusion that I have come to is that everyone has a role to play in this little land we call Earth.  I could be wrong and probably am, but I believe we are all meat to do something here, there are the bad entities that try to stray us from our path and they are the ones who were lost on their path by someone or somethin...

I have been waiting for this moment for the last 2 months.  I am now halfway through treatment.  I have finished 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  The last 6 months have been the most amazing, dramatic, joyful, sad, happy, peaceful and maturing months of my entire life.  I have experienced and been through more in these past 6 months than some people do in their entire lifetime.  It has been a lot of bad with a million times as much good.  Incredible highs with collapsing and devastating lows.  The longest 6 months of my life.  6 months that have reshaped me for the rest of my life.  6 months that I will never forget.  6 months of pain, and 6 months of joy.  6 months down and 6 months to go. ________________________________________ Yesterday was quite bittersweet.  I had chemo in the morning which marked the halfway point of my treatment and buried an amazing women in the afternoon.  It was a long day to say the least. ...

When you are diagnosed your life changes and pretty quickly.  It's like an onslaught of anxiety, information, depression, acceptance, anger and every other emotion all mixed into a bag and left out to ferment.  The beginning is absolutely terrible, and then you start to find a routine.  You get a support system, you start your treatment and you start to feel comfortable in your new life.  You get used to getting poked by needles about 3 or 4 times a week.  You learn terms that most people couldn't pronounce without assistance, you learn all about blood tests, MRI scans, medical jargon and actually know what they mean.  Taking 75 or so pills A DAY doesn't seem all that bad after doing it for months on end.  You start to accept that for the most part, your life will never be the same. For me, I found direction and purpose, others aren't always so lucky and often others let their prognosis and diagnosis overwhelm them and give up.  Wha...

Visiting with Debbie a a couple days before she passed away I was brought back to my little one bedroom apartment where I took care of my mom for so long.  Seeing her lay in her bed all but in a coma with all same noises and the smell of sanitizers and medicines brought back a flood of memories.  All kinds of memories; good, bad, emotional and happy and sad.  Debbie was sick for a long time.  She fought like a true warrior and no matter how many of her vital organs decided to stop working, her heart was so strong that it refused to stop pumping the fluid of life through her veins.  Even after she said her last word, she laid there for a over a week motionless except for the few involuntary twitches brought on by neuropathy, tumors, medicine and who knows what else.  She remained strong until the end, as well as beautiful as the day I met her over 22 years ago.  If her head was not shaved she would have simply looked like she was sleeping. ...

The road I am on is rapidly becoming more and more interesting.  What began as a shocking and devastating blow to myself, my family and friends has somehow morphed into something that I thank God for everyday.  Being diagnosed with a 'terminal' cancer turned out to be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  Allow me to explain. Through all the white noise and chemo, something has emerged from the dust like a phoenix rising from ashes.  A part of me died on December 17th, a part that needed to die for me to properly live.  I was living a lie and had been since my mother passed away nearly a decade ago now.  I knew what I wanted to do with my life the moment my mother passed away.  I wanted to dedicate myself to helping others who are fighting a terrible and debilitating illness- cancer.  I tried finding jobs in the sector a few times and every chance I had I would attend any type of fund raising event that could help others, especi...

On June 17th it will be exactly 6 months since the day they cut open my scalp, sawed into my skull and removed a tumor nearly the size of a baseball; which turned out to be one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer around.  I was told everything under the sun could happen to me and the severity of this cancer was almost notorious for immediate regrowth.  I prepared myself for a road that I had no idea where would lead, buckled down and changed the entire direction of my life in one day.  I guess cancer has a way of doing that. 6 months has almost passed and I went and had another MRI done on Monday.  It was the first MRI I had gone two months in between scans and up until the friday before I was overly excited as I was feeling better than I have since before my surgery.  And then Friday night I started getting the headaches again.  And they seemed to be more severe this time and were almost out of nowhere.  I had a very sleepless Friday night ...

It is an interesting and very tight rope we learn to walk when fighting cancer.  Positivity and optimism are almost as crucial (if not more) than the treatment itself.  Many people are diagnosed and in their minds that is it.  Upon hearing the news they go home, lock themselves away and accept an early death not even thinking they have a shot.  This is not an irrational way of dealing with cancer and with all the evidence suggesting this is usually the end game, this way of thinking is totally understandable.  The thing is though, this gets you nowhere and only makes what time you think you have left more and more devastating.  The mental side of cancer is almost unbearable at times.  Nobody wants to accept their own mortality and the fact that it is your own body that is trying to kill itself makes it exponentially worse. Staying positive and never once thinking that my end is anywhere near me has kept me going.  I am not an id...

Another huge gap in posts which there is no excuse for.  When I started this I said I would keep everyone updated and I have been doing a terrible job for which I apologize for.  I have been pretty busy with a lot of different things and just have not sat down to update everyone. The foundation is coming along exceptionally well and with the help of some awesome people I am really hoping this becomes something awesome.  It is slow moving and building a good web site is more work than I ever would have thought! Last weekend I went out to Vegas to the Stupid Cancer Young adult cancer summit in Las Vegas.  I met some amazing and wonderfully inspiring people.  I also made some great contacts for the foundation and with the help of other young adult cancer fighters, we had a night of partying (which I payed for dearly the following day.  Guess Im not in college anymore! )  It was such a nice thing to just get away and clear my head for a couple days, th...