Grade IV Glioblastoma Multiforme

Day 22.  

I went and saw 2 more doctors today.  2 more opinions.  2 more stories on what is growing in my head.  I am now certain that I have met the doctor who will eventually cut open my skull, just not sure which one yet.  There are a few factors which need to be sorted out before that decision is made.  The next part of this process involves what is called a functional MRI.  Basically they want to map my brain and see how close areas of importance are in relation to my tumor.  The fMRI will be performed within the next couple of days, and along with that MRI they will also perform another test...  And hopefully that will be the last.  After the MRI is read and deciphered as best possible, I have a choice to make.  I get to decide if I want to be awake while my brain is exposed or not.  Awake craniotomies can only be done by a small number of doctors and I am lucky enough to have a pretty great specialist as a potential doctor.  Obviously I do not want to have my surgery done this way, but if they recommend I stay coherent so they can make sure they do not permanently paralise me or cut off a speech or memory receptor that could potentially make any reasonable recovery impossible I have no choice.  If the MRI comes back and they think they have enough room (around 3 millimeters) I will have a different doctor do the procedure.  As to which one, it is still up in the air.  I want this tumor out yesterday and I am finding scheduling surgeries is not as easy as one might think.  This tumor has long overstayed its welcome and grown to a size that makes me very uncomfortable.  

The tumor...  It is weird to think that a mere 22 days ago I was a seemingly perfectly healthy 27 year old on a seemingly normal path - and today I am weighing options and trying to decide how to go about brain surgery.  Life changes in an instant and there is nothing we can do about it.  I still can not wrap my head around (no pun intended) the fact that I have a tumor growing inside me whose ultimate goal would eventually be to kill me.  It is a crazy thought that our bodies can just turn on us for no apparent reason.  There is no absolute answer to what causes tumors or cancer, all we know is that anyone can grow one and they will continue to grow until treated.  I am still holding out that this tumor is benign, but all but one doctor so far has seemed pretty sure that I am not gonna get such great news back.  I am OK with any news they give me and I need all of you to be ready to roll with the punches as well. I have told everyone I have talked to that they need to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.  So all of your prayers, good thoughts, mental hugs and any other hippie new age beliefs that might work are more than welcomed.  

Thank you all for your help and even stopping by to read my ramblings.  I apologize if a lot of this sounds like gibberish I'm not the greatest author, but I think I get my point across.  I hope you all are ready for an interesting ride. 

Ryan