The Journey

A few hours post-op Today is pretty bitter sweet. It marks my 9 year Cancerversary... but with an asterisk. As I said in my last post, 9 years is a long time, 9 years with GBM is a lifetime. The excitement of making it this long is not what I was hoping it would be, but 9 years nonetheless, is quite the accomplishment and I am happy to be here. I am nowhere near done with this life so I hope you all aren’t sick of me just yet. -- Surgery went off without a hitch! I’m sure everybody is super curious as to how an awake craniotomy takes place, so I guess I can go ahead and walk you through it as I am now a seasoned veteran.  I checked in bright and early (around 5:30am) and then waited.. And waited.. And waited until about 7am. Around 7am I was brought back to the initial surgery waiting area where I with 3 other patients all waiting to go to their surgeries. Once I arrived in this secondary waiting area I was greeted by countless people that would be involved in the surgery. So many ...

So here we are again. Allllllmost made it 9 years. 9 years is a long time. 9 years with GBM is basically a lifetime. Allow me to welcome back those that were with me on my first tumor journey (and thanks again) and hello to all the new friends that are just joining me for this one. I decided to brush off this old blog to use as my go forward updating tool so everyone can read or re-read what the first time around looked like. If you followed my first journey, you will know that I will always be real no matter what: the good the bad and the total shit.. so here we go.  I'll start by saying that I am physically and mentally ok. The initial shock was a lot to take in and I knew this was always basically inevitable, but I also kind of thought / hoped I had dodged the bullet. I found out the tumor was showing recurrence a few weeks ago. After my standard grace period of 24 hours for moping and sorrow, I immediately got back to work. Being that this is my second time around the block, I ...

While living in LA I started doing something upon a friends recommendation.  I noticed I was slowly wearing down living in the city of Angels in the respectively cold Southern California Winter.  Everyday walking to and from the hospital two sometimes three times a day only to arrive back at an empty small and dark apartment which was not the most hospitable environment and full of other cancer fighters- one of which died while I was living there.  They were all exceptionally older than myself and when we encountered one another we would merely silently nod, smile  and acknowledged that we were in the same war waging inside ourselves.  Not a single word was ever spoken to any of my neighbors, but we all had the bond of battling for our lives.  Living in this environment was not a great way to stay mentally healthy, but it also made me face the reality and severity of what I was up against. One day I went and had lunch with a friend Greyson and ironicall...

I always had this idea in my head of fighting like hell, winning my fight with cancer, moving on with my life and living happily ever after.  I guess I wasn't being too realistic with myself since my mentality from day one has been "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best."  Even before I abruptly ended all my treatments I realized that I needed to start working again.  My treatment dosages were being gradually reduced and other than the first morning after my chemo I was basically fully functional again.  I built up some debt that wasn't doing anything but getting higher and staying at home all alone everyday was getting really old.  After I stopped all Western treatments there was no doubt in my mind any longer, if I didn't find ways to stay busy I think I might lose my mind. I remained an employee of my previous employer and planned on returning back there upon completion of my treatment, but situations changed and I was no longer able to return.  Thi...

The longest and most stressful slash amazing year of my life has finally ended.  365 days ago at about 9am I found out I had a tumor in my brain.  That tumor turned out to be cancer.  That cancer turned out to be one of the worst cancers around.  A year ago marked the beginning of a new lifelong battle that has only just begun.  365 days ago I began a road that will shape how the rest of my life will be navigated.  When I speak to my close friends about the upcoming 'anniversary' they always comment on how fast the year went by.  For me, this past year seemed like it lasted 5.  I guess being on this side of the fence is a bit different, I am just glad it is finally over!  My progress with this cancer has put me into a very small population of people.  GBM's are notorious for regrowing quite rapidly and not a very large percentage of GBM patients go as long as I have without showing any signs of regrowth- lets pray this continues for anot...

It's been a few weeks since I last post and a stressful slash amazing few weeks they have been.  The last post I did was from Portland.  I was visiting my family up there enjoying one final trip to the Pacific Northwest before Summer officially ends.  It was an amazing trip filled with adventure, memories, amazing scenery and most of all love.  Not being able to drive to my sisters homes whenever I want just to chat is often times frustrating since we are all so close as a family.  Getting to see them always makes me whatever stresses or worries I have diminish and I am able to forget about the 'C word' for a little bit.  My last trip closed with some really tough news that I was not expecting at all. When I started this whole journey I was introduced to and met some amazing people, including some new friends from all over the world.  Obviously I have yet to meet a lot of them in person, but we often chat via e-mail or text.  The young adult can...

Staying sane while wandering the 'cancer road' is not that easy of a task.  I don't know how many of you have taken the time to read into the type of cancer I am currently fighting, but of the cancers that are out there GBM's are not the best option.  Obviously cancer is cancer and there is not a single one out there that is in anyway good, but GBM's are one of the more aggressive and deadly.  I try my hardest to not look at statistics and I go out of my way to not read anything regarding my ailment because 99% of the time it is just bad news, but sometimes it is unavoidable.  Today was one of those days. My last post was regarding one of the strongest persons I have ever met.  Lauren 'Lola' Scott taught me what strength is in a way nobody else could.  She didn't have the same cancer, but hers was just as bad.  She fought from the day she was a teenager until her departure at 16.  I started Little Kings to keep my mind...

People always immediately look for answers or justification when a tragedy happens.  We need closure or an answer.  We need to find meaning in things that seem so terrible or else it makes it that much harder to cope.  Lola's death is a tragedy.  It is terrible that such an amazing young women was taken so early.  But that is what death is, it is tragic by definition.  It is the ultimate end and the final period.  After my diagnosis I have looked at life very differently.  I now notice things and understand things that I may not have understood before.  Maybe it is just me looking for answers like everyone else, but the conclusion that I have come to is that everyone has a role to play in this little land we call Earth.  I could be wrong and probably am, but I believe we are all meat to do something here, there are the bad entities that try to stray us from our path and they are the ones who were lost on their path by someone or somethin...

I have been waiting for this moment for the last 2 months.  I am now halfway through treatment.  I have finished 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  The last 6 months have been the most amazing, dramatic, joyful, sad, happy, peaceful and maturing months of my entire life.  I have experienced and been through more in these past 6 months than some people do in their entire lifetime.  It has been a lot of bad with a million times as much good.  Incredible highs with collapsing and devastating lows.  The longest 6 months of my life.  6 months that have reshaped me for the rest of my life.  6 months that I will never forget.  6 months of pain, and 6 months of joy.  6 months down and 6 months to go. ________________________________________ Yesterday was quite bittersweet.  I had chemo in the morning which marked the halfway point of my treatment and buried an amazing women in the afternoon.  It was a long day to say the least. ...

When you are diagnosed your life changes and pretty quickly.  It's like an onslaught of anxiety, information, depression, acceptance, anger and every other emotion all mixed into a bag and left out to ferment.  The beginning is absolutely terrible, and then you start to find a routine.  You get a support system, you start your treatment and you start to feel comfortable in your new life.  You get used to getting poked by needles about 3 or 4 times a week.  You learn terms that most people couldn't pronounce without assistance, you learn all about blood tests, MRI scans, medical jargon and actually know what they mean.  Taking 75 or so pills A DAY doesn't seem all that bad after doing it for months on end.  You start to accept that for the most part, your life will never be the same. For me, I found direction and purpose, others aren't always so lucky and often others let their prognosis and diagnosis overwhelm them and give up.  Wha...

Visiting with Debbie a a couple days before she passed away I was brought back to my little one bedroom apartment where I took care of my mom for so long.  Seeing her lay in her bed all but in a coma with all same noises and the smell of sanitizers and medicines brought back a flood of memories.  All kinds of memories; good, bad, emotional and happy and sad.  Debbie was sick for a long time.  She fought like a true warrior and no matter how many of her vital organs decided to stop working, her heart was so strong that it refused to stop pumping the fluid of life through her veins.  Even after she said her last word, she laid there for a over a week motionless except for the few involuntary twitches brought on by neuropathy, tumors, medicine and who knows what else.  She remained strong until the end, as well as beautiful as the day I met her over 22 years ago.  If her head was not shaved she would have simply looked like she was sleeping. ...