tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13843971771839882472024-03-14T01:13:36.883-07:00The JourneyRyanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-83566843365185039252021-12-17T04:00:00.001-08:002021-12-17T04:00:00.160-08:009 Years Later... <p><span style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEho-Xz3bWx6S-d0rf59JuTQoRHUxk_PiF9g-k5lxk0HjZ2AAsseIHluLQ_0ZPNSoJ-9wFSng2qKvbe51Et3-T7IF9F6BAOLY-72TJ9jD0iju8Uf2k5i1qNRf7HJAPQVB7k-L2fnkZSEyvktSK8x7uDchmfg8NBD8A6GJEdpwsEjOgZlMAHi6S6s4RUm=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="433" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEho-Xz3bWx6S-d0rf59JuTQoRHUxk_PiF9g-k5lxk0HjZ2AAsseIHluLQ_0ZPNSoJ-9wFSng2qKvbe51Et3-T7IF9F6BAOLY-72TJ9jD0iju8Uf2k5i1qNRf7HJAPQVB7k-L2fnkZSEyvktSK8x7uDchmfg8NBD8A6GJEdpwsEjOgZlMAHi6S6s4RUm=w325-h433" width="325" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A few hours post-op</td></tr></tbody></table><br />Today is pretty bitter sweet. It marks my 9 year Cancerversary... but with an asterisk. As I said in my last post, 9 years is a long time, 9 years with GBM is a lifetime. The excitement of making it this long is not what I was hoping it would be, but 9 years nonetheless, is quite the accomplishment and I am happy to be here. I am nowhere near done with this life so I hope you all aren’t sick of me just yet.</span></p><div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;">--</div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">Surgery went off without a hitch! I’m sure everybody is super curious as to how an awake craniotomy takes place, so I guess I can go ahead and walk you through it as I am now a seasoned veteran. </span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">I checked in bright and early (around 5:30am) and then waited.. And waited.. And waited until about 7am. Around 7am I was brought back to the initial surgery waiting area where I with 3 other patients all waiting to go to their surgeries. Once I arrived in this secondary waiting area I was greeted by countless people that would be involved in the surgery. So many introductions and the only people I really cared to see was the Psychotherapist that would be doing all the testing during the procedure and my surgeon. Both of which showed up and left shortly after. After meeting what seemed like a dozen or so people that would be in the room with me and filling out 3 different waiver forms for studies that they wanted me to take part in, it was time to get going. They rolled me back into what was a pretty straight forward surgery room. Lots of bells and whistles and a bunch of crap that Im sure was important, but I had no clue as to what it was or how it would be used. Since this was going to be awake and I would not be able to move my head for a long period of time, they first had me awake to set me up in a comfortable position laying on my right side (tumor is left frontal). Once I felt comfortable, that’s when they knocked me out and cut me back open. Once I awoke, I was a bit shocked not to see the psychotherapist I had already worked with and done all of my baseline tests with. I asked where she was and was told she had something she needed to attend to… I guess that was a bit hard especially with the new lady not quite as pleasant as was the original. I also quickly realized that my lower half was in a terribly awkward position and when you are literally strapped to the table, it is very hard to move around. Trying to get my lower half comfortable again was probably the the hardest part (oh and the sound of the machine they used for the actual resection reminded me of being at a dentist and listening to one of the drills they use *shudder*). Once I was comfortable again, we began doing tests as the surgeon requested. Most of them were based on my right hand and foot movement. Tap your toes, tap your fingers, move your foot up and down like you are driving a car. There were a couple cognitive tests, but not nearly the extent that I thought there would have been based off the previous meeting with the psychotherapist. At one point I began to feel some anxiety creep up with so many people walking around the room, so I *attempted* to meditate and was told I need to stay present. Guess meditation was not what they were needing at that point. Im not sure how long I was awake for the actual resection, but after what seemed like maybe only a few hours I could hear my surgeon saying that “Everything is looking good” and “I think we got it all!” These were both great to hear and that’s kind of all I remember. They put me back to sleep to close me back up and I woke up again once they were wheeling me back out. </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">I was sent straight to the Neuro ICU and from there, the idea was to stay for a night or so and then transfer me to a regular room. Since I was doing so well with pain and there was really no swelling or residual symptoms (other than some nausea) I was released straight from the Neuro ICU after 2 nights :) </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">Since then I have been home recovering and resting. The pain comes and goes, but I think I am rounding the bend and hopefully almost out of the woods.</span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;"><br /></span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">I had my follow up appt. with my Neuro-Oncologist yesterday to discuss the surgery as well as the follow up MRI I did the day after my surgery. I am happy to report that they were able to successfully remove all the tumor cells and "with an exceptional boundary area." </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">The pathology of the tumor sample came back and as expected, it was Grade IV Astrocytoma (GBM). A decent amount has changed since my first surgery and apparently the GBM that I have is now considered less deadly as the two most important bio-markers are both in my favor. The treatment recommendation will be exactly the same as the first time around with 30 days of radiation M-F and an oral chemo taken every evening right before bed. After the first round of high intensity therapies, I will get a month off. Once that month ends I will begin routine chemo (5 days / month) for up to 6 months (or as long as my blood counts will let me). I will also be getting much more into my integrative therapies / diet to combat this from every possible angle. </span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;"><br /></span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times;">As I mentioned in my first post, this will no doubt be a double edged sword. I know what I am getting into (Good) & I know how much it will suck (bad). I am hoping you all stay with me through this and all the hard days that will no doubt come along. </span></div></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: small;">--</span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black;">Thanks, Thanks, THANKS! I was completely overwhelmed with all the love and support that I have been showered with. I have had so many people ask what me what they can do for me and all I want is for anyone readying this to tell those you care about how much you care about them. I was able to get through most of the messages via text / Instagram and since I no longer have Facebook on my phone, I am slowly working through those when I am on my computer. Having been able raise over $18,000 in a week was completely un-expected and totally mind blowing. All the prayers, vibes and anyone that held space was truly appreciated and felt. I might be doing this all myself, but I have an army of people behind me that are all on my team. I played QB and I am used to being the captain, so this is just another game to me :) You all are so special and love every. single. one of you <3</span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></div><div style="caret-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); color: white; font-family: Helvetica; text-size-adjust: auto;"><span style="color: black;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /></span></div>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com02328 NE 20th Ave, Portland, OR 97212, USA45.5394661 -122.644943745.491352627693544 -122.71360825078125 45.587579572306453 -122.57627914921875tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-63473082287799708632021-12-06T00:10:00.004-08:002022-01-15T14:02:01.599-08:00Encore<p>So here we are again. Allllllmost made it 9 years. 9 years is a long time. 9 years with GBM is basically a lifetime. Allow me to welcome back those that were with me on my first tumor journey (and thanks again) and hello to all the new friends that are just joining me for this one. I decided to brush off this old blog to use as my go forward updating tool so everyone can read or re-read what the first time around looked like. If you followed my first journey, you will know that I will always be real no matter what: the good the bad and the total shit.. so here we go. </p><p>I'll start by saying that I am physically and mentally ok. The initial shock was a lot to take in and I knew this was always basically inevitable, but I also kind of thought / hoped I had dodged the bullet. I found out the tumor was showing recurrence a few weeks ago. After my standard grace period of 24 hours for moping and sorrow, I immediately got back to work. Being that this is my second time around the block, I feel so much better prepared and already knew what I needed to do. I changed my diet back to low carb / no sugar / whole foods (and yes I look more skinny than before, but I assure you I am stronger and more healthy now than I have been in a really long time. Just a few days ago, I completed the hardest climbing route I have ever done in my life so please refrain from commenting on my weight if I see you), I am back on heaps of supplements and therapies, physical activity, yoga and mental wellness are my pillars. I am also intermittent fasting and have a single 5 hour window where intake all my calories. I am feeling amazing right now! Being prepared and knowing what to do is half the battle and only one side of the sword. Having been through this means I also know how much it is going to suck. It will be long and there will be pain, but I am confident that I will get through this again and I truly don't think that I am quite done with this little journey that we call life. </p><p>This past summer has been one of the most transformative summers of my life in so many ways and also has greatly shaped me for this not-so-good news. I've also very recently met some really amazing friends that truly care about me and it has been great to bring them into my circle as I go down this road again. Back in July I went to an Ayahuasca Retreat where I drank the medicine 3 nights in a row. For those that have done it, I am sure I need not explain, but during those three ceremonies I opened a completely new part of myself and an understanding of what life and death truly is. It is hard to explain what happened during those 3 nights, but I will say they completely changed me. It was hard, it was painful and you are forced to feel and experience things that you really don't want to, but in the end you come out...different in such a beautiful way. To boil it down to the two of the core concepts of what I experienced and things that everyone would benefit from understanding is: 1) As cliche as it sounds, all that matters is love. 2) We are all connected. This retreat also pushed me into a substantially more spiritual person where I am now open to hearing what the silence wants to tell me. The first time I went through this I was always trying to fill my days. It was always seeing friends and keep my mind occupied to avoid the thought of cancer. It was great and I know needed that back then, but this time around I have found so much peace and tranquility in silence and mediation. This has put me completely at ease with whatever the result of this may be. I am fully prepared for whatever may come of this and I genuinely have no fear of death. I have found that the one thing that is hard at times is being alone in the in-between times. Having someone you love there for a hand to hold when things got tough was such a saving grace. This time when those moments creep up I have to face them alone. I feel like this is making me stronger, but also not ideal. So any ladies looking for a bf, hit me up :) </p><p>This recurrence was truly out of nowhere. There were no symptoms, nothing that was a cause for concern and definitely no seizures. For those that don't know, I have been doing MRI's every three months (up from every two months for the first 4 years post-op) to monitor the tumor. Once the MRI is done, I have a follow up call with my Dr. to review the scan. They are usually quick and easy and we are done after less than 10 minutes. Since COVID started, I have been doing them virtually and they are usually even faster. They always begin with a nice greeting and a brief chat on whatever the topic might be from my Dr. (Dr. Ambady at OHSU is Portland) and then it is followed by his normal line of "Ive reviewed your scan and everything looks good." Even though I have gone through well over 50 (I've lost count of how many MRI's I have now done) hearing those words always takes a weight off of my shoulders and allows me to breathe easy again. A few weeks ago when I met with him, I knew the second he got on the call that the bad news was coming. Instead of the normal greetings I have grown so accustomed to, the first words out of his mouth were "Should we talk about your scan?" I'll never forget those words and they have reverberated in my mind countless times since. I historically have been good about having someone with me during these follow up calls, but as I mentioned before I felt quite confident on this one so I felt that I had no reason to have anyone with me (and it was a zoom call at 10am on a weekday so I knew everyone was working). I really wish I had asked someone to join because the rest of the call was a bit of a blur. After the call I got to have the most amazing time (note: you will also find that I often use sarcasm to downplay tough things to relay) telling my family that we didn't quite dodge the bullet as we were all hoping. This led into follow up appointments, talking to a few hospitals as well as a second opinion just to cross off all the t's. I initially wanted to have my first surgeon, Dr. Chen perform the second surgery, but he has done quite well and is now the Chief of Neurosurgery at a hospital, but the hospital he is at is not equipped with the tooling and technology that would be needed for my surgery. After numerous conversations and getting a better grasp on what the new growth entailed, I decided to stay local and put my trust in the surgeon at the same hospital I have been working with since I moved to Portland. He is a confident and straightforward surgeon named Dr. Raslan and he has done over 300 of these things, so I'd say he is well versed. I met with him and it was determined that we will be doing this one awake as the new growth is right up against some pretty crucial areas of my brain that I would benefit not to lose. During our meeting he did advise on what could be a small bit of hope in that this new growth could possibly be late onset radiation necrosis. Although, he also said that this typically will show around the 3-5 year mark post radiation. I kind of chuckled and said well that sounds highly unlikely seeing as how we are nearly 9 years down the road. He responded, "Well what about you is going according to the book? You are already ahead of 99.99% of everyone else in your shoes, so everything is on the table with you." </p><p><b>Tumor and Surgery Info:</b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3U1dstgetPs/Ya3LgKA-DCI/AAAAAAAAJ6A/3FUJwm1d4Ps7YeziAMlOdEzizO4qP1pJgCNcBGAsYHQ/IMG_0283.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1128" data-original-width="1170" height="617" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-3U1dstgetPs/Ya3LgKA-DCI/AAAAAAAAJ6A/3FUJwm1d4Ps7YeziAMlOdEzizO4qP1pJgCNcBGAsYHQ/w640-h617/IMG_0283.jpeg" width="640" /></a></b></div><b><br /></b><span style="text-align: left;">The tumor is growing in the back part of the tumor cavity and is small, somewhere around 1.3cm. In this case, size is irrelevant. The only factor that matters is the growth rate. The size could have already changed and December 1st, I had a pre-op MRI as well as an fMRI to trace activity in my brain. I decided that I don't want to know the results of this or the growth rate...yet. There are only two outcomes of knowing: It has either grown in the few weeks since my last MRI or it has stayed the same. Half of my options suck, so no need to place that bet. I want to have the last bit of comfort before my surgery, which is scheduled for December 7th (aka tomorrow) as stress free as possible. I might ask before the surgery because I am quite curious. The surgery will be performed awake so the surgeon has the ability to make sure all my motor and cognitive skills stay intact during the procedure. I will have to perform certain tasks as the tumor is removed and if I ever fail or can't complete a task, that will end the surgery and they will close me back up leaving whatever is left inside. Some may recall that not many surgeons wanted to perform my first surgery asleep, but talking through and understanding the process of an awake surgery, I decided I want to remove as much of the tumor as possible and deal with the consequences once I awake. For this surgery, I am told that doing it asleep would be a huge risk that doesn't necessarily need to be taken so I guess I will be awake. I am not afraid of doing it awake, in fact the scientist in me is a bit excited to see what its like to have someone tinkering inside my brain while I am conscious :)</span><p></p><p>The last 9 years haven't been terribly easy. Living in a statistical category that doesn't really exist has been difficult at times. I've told those closest to me that it has been hard to find contentment in my life knowing that there really is no reason I should be here today. I've talked to numerous other GBM patients and most are no longer here. Many of them had children, grandchildren, wives, husbands and people that truly depended on them where as I have a dog. Don't get me wrong, Banks is my child and I love him in a way I didn't know one could love an animal, but if I were gone, I'm pretty sure he would forget me after a few weeks. But seeing others lose their lives to this while I am still trucking along has been hard. Survivors guilt is real and when it is on such an extreme spectrum, it can be excruciating. Shortly after this all began 9 years ago, I felt a pull to do something with my life to direct it so that I can help others. And though I attempted in many fashions, there were a couple dramatic setbacks and ultimately things never quite aligned the way I was hoping. A big part of me might have been giving up, things got tough for a while when I lost my mentor and friends a few years ago when he died in his sleep. Years ago I said that I felt like this tumor was the universes way of telling me to get my shit together and follow the path it is laying out for me. Well I kind of feel as though I wandered from that path and this is a reminder to get back on that path. With everything that has happened in the last 6 months, it is hard for me to feel any other way. My first priority is healing and then I am back to work, hopefully before the New Year!</p><p>-- </p><p>I really want to thank everyone who was with me 9 years ago and continues to follow me on this journey. I also want to thank everyone who is just showing up to the party and is here to support me in any way possible. I love virtual hugs, digital high fives, all the prayers, vibes, holding space and pixy dust you are willing to spare. Last time I know all the support helped and I know it will get me through this again! </p><p>I will continue to update this as we move through the process. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and enjoys their upcoming holiday season :) </p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b>I CUT MY HAIR!</b></p><p>When this little ass decided to show up last time, I decided I would start growing my hair out once I could again with the mindset that a recurrence was inevitable and once the inevitable occurs I would cut it and donate what I could. Well nearly 9 years later, it is back it and the day to chop it has finally come. This is one of the only things I was really nervous about because the hair has really become a part of me. It has years of memories in the length and even though it drives me crazy and is a hassle to deal with, I am going to miss it. However, I take joy in knowing that the 25" I cut will be going to a great cause. But the worst part is now my sisters both have longer hair than me.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n8DTsrnr_HU/Ya3AkAZT1eI/AAAAAAAAJ5E/aVSOgpj1RlATGtDEjX1wQwD2ugSHKfJQwCNcBGAsYHQ/s3703/IMG_0424.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3703" data-original-width="3024" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n8DTsrnr_HU/Ya3AkAZT1eI/AAAAAAAAJ5E/aVSOgpj1RlATGtDEjX1wQwD2ugSHKfJQwCNcBGAsYHQ/w326-h400/IMG_0424.jpeg" width="326" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Over 8 years of memories in those locks!</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_vQJI-Yj-yU/Ya3BmYh9KuI/AAAAAAAAJ5c/O94IxTLBxiMmgepHmhN-0xQY3OUFdeZlwCNcBGAsYHQ/s2048/IMG_0478.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1058" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_vQJI-Yj-yU/Ya3BmYh9KuI/AAAAAAAAJ5c/O94IxTLBxiMmgepHmhN-0xQY3OUFdeZlwCNcBGAsYHQ/w330-h640/IMG_0478.jpeg" width="330" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Looooooong</td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-mIsROSExM40/Ya3D5zD9b0I/AAAAAAAAJ54/9A-konGkjRIYR3Kx6vHrDdxDEnuapy4MgCNcBGAsYHQ/IMG_3038.jpeg"><img alt="" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="640" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-mIsROSExM40/Ya3D5zD9b0I/AAAAAAAAJ54/9A-konGkjRIYR3Kx6vHrDdxDEnuapy4MgCNcBGAsYHQ/w480-h640/IMG_3038.jpeg" width="480" /></a></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-u10DthmuODw/Ya3BmRoqHBI/AAAAAAAAJ5Y/StvqZn5god8quBkycde5PS089K4nRgVewCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/IMG_3005.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-u10DthmuODw/Ya3BmRoqHBI/AAAAAAAAJ5Y/StvqZn5god8quBkycde5PS089K4nRgVewCNcBGAsYHQ/w300-h400/IMG_3005.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I thought about keeping it like this<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uEmf46FPhhA/Ya3BmoPlGHI/AAAAAAAAJ5k/rP4RlPQdBegt0BwSdpZAwWbts7zSbkUNwCNcBGAsYHQ/s2048/IMG_5215.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="New Do" border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1224" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uEmf46FPhhA/Ya3BmoPlGHI/AAAAAAAAJ5k/rP4RlPQdBegt0BwSdpZAwWbts7zSbkUNwCNcBGAsYHQ/w382-h640/IMG_5215.jpeg" width="382" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">End Result</td></tr></tbody></table>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-38071904239420328512013-11-29T17:12:00.000-08:002013-11-29T17:12:59.156-08:00GrattitudeWhile living in LA I started doing something upon a friends recommendation. I noticed I was slowly wearing down living in the city of Angels in the respectively cold Southern California Winter. Everyday walking to and from the hospital two sometimes three times a day only to arrive back at an empty small and dark apartment which was not the most hospitable environment and full of other cancer fighters- one of which died while I was living there. They were all exceptionally older than myself and when we encountered one another we would merely silently nod, smile and acknowledged that we were in the same war waging inside ourselves. Not a single word was ever spoken to any of my neighbors, but we all had the bond of battling for our lives. Living in this environment was not a great way to stay mentally healthy, but it also made me face the reality and severity of what I was up against.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One day I went and had lunch with a friend Greyson and ironically at a cafe called Gratitude. After lunch we were chatting for a while and he gave me a couple books to read (I'll get them back to you or they might show up on your doorstep from Amazon.) I was telling him how my living situation was not ideal and I was sometimes not interested in much other than sleeping. This was early on in my treatment and I knew I had a long way to go so I needed to rectify the situation before I let myself get too down. I had managed to stay so positive through all the nonsense I had gone through the previous 2 and half months and I did not want that to change. He suggested something that he had started doing and found it helped him appreciate everything in life a little bit more. His suggestion was to wake up every morning and think of 5 things you are grateful for and if you can't think of 5, think of 4 or 3 or 2 or 1... It could be anything from the bed you sleep in to the love you share with your family of friends. I thought about it and it made sense, I had been living in a constant state of negative thoughts when I needed to change my mind into a positive mindset. So the next day I woke up and the first thing I was grateful for was exactly the thing that was wearing me down. I was grateful that I had an apartment walking distance to my radiation treatment. I did not have to commute an hour back and forth everyday and no more traffic! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
From that day forward I started my day with gratitude instead of pessimism. I would wake everyday and find so many things to be grateful for that sometimes I would be laying in bed for a few minutes before I was done. Other times I would only think of one or two things. Most of the time I would think of things from the day before or the coming days ahead. Some days I would forget, but I try my hardest not to. The one thing I have always been grateful for was the love of my family, friends and my girlfriend, so everyday that was on my list. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
With the Thanksgiving holiday just passing, it got me thinking more and more. I saw a lot of people posting about what they are thankful for and for me I have been doing this nearly everyday since the day Greyson recommended I give it a try. Laying in bed Thanksgiving night I was trying to really think about what I am exceptionally grateful for. I wanted to figure out what shapes me as a human and why I am who I am. I am grateful for my mother who helped prepare me for this road and watching her suffer and go through what she did helped mentally prepare me for the chemo days and if it turns south, I already have seen and know what to expect. I went to South Africa and being there definitely changed my perspective on life and helped to start shaping me to who I am today, I am and will always be grateful for that time spent there and without that experience I know for a fact I would not have been able to deal with my diagnosis the way I am. I am grateful for a lot of things and this past year has proven to shed a lot of light on my life so what I am most grateful for is Grade IV Astrocytoma aka Glioblastoma Multiforme.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am utterly and unequivocally grateful for the cancer that is currently trying it's hardest to end my life. Seems ironic, but without this cancer I would not be the person I am today. Being diagnosed led me onto this road, a road that is exceptionally frustrating, difficult, sad, depressing, joyous and miraculous. It has introduced me to some of the most amazing, inspiring and beautiful people I have ever met in my life. It has guided me to a point where I finally feel like I am doing something that will actually make a small difference in this big world we live in. I have direction and a lifelong vision of what I want my life to look like. I am no longer wandering aimlessly in the woods trying to find my way out, I am chopping down the trees and paving my own path all while my best friend slash worst enemy is trying to carry out execution orders on not only myself, but itself in the process. My cancer helped me find the people in my life who need to be in my life and weeded out the people in my life which needed to vacate. My cancer has brought me closer to my family and strengthened the relationships with the people I care about and love the most. Yes, there have been tremendous lows and times where I wish I never had this little monster in my head, but like anything in life that is exceptionally important and powerful it is not easy, but in the long run it makes us better and stronger. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Even if I do not make it to 30 like the other 90%+ that don't last 2 years, I know in my heart that I have done some good with the time I had. I lived selfless and truly wanted to make a difference and up until December of last year I don't know if I can honestly say that I have lived that way everyday. There were times, but for the most part I was more concerned about Ryan and less concerned about others. Thanksgiving is one day when we take time to be grateful, allow me to recommend the advice that was given to me and start making everyday a day to be grateful.<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan<br />
xo<br />
<br />
"I respect my enemy, I want to understand him and I am envious of his complexity. My enemy is my only fear and in that fear there is love. When I truly understand my enemy, in that moment I will destroy him."<br />
<br />
This is a semi-original quote and anyone who is familiar with the book 'Enders Game' will know where I was inspired.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tnoDVwNhJLs/Upk5rrBukcI/AAAAAAAADJM/0-XexmZFQWM/s1600/DSC_2536.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tnoDVwNhJLs/Upk5rrBukcI/AAAAAAAADJM/0-XexmZFQWM/s320/DSC_2536.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uHq-XgE5i3k/Upk5nDssjqI/AAAAAAAADJE/HcVyCyCj_1E/s1600/DSC_0574.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uHq-XgE5i3k/Upk5nDssjqI/AAAAAAAADJE/HcVyCyCj_1E/s320/DSC_0574.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vp_Ao8aul-Q/Upk5b-_OS5I/AAAAAAAADI0/BAtFqidMjeE/s1600/DSC_0253.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vp_Ao8aul-Q/Upk5b-_OS5I/AAAAAAAADI0/BAtFqidMjeE/s320/DSC_0253.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-URZEnZfYSGg/Upk5vO-vh_I/AAAAAAAADJc/ziCQwIZ8sb0/s1600/DSC_3078.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-URZEnZfYSGg/Upk5vO-vh_I/AAAAAAAADJc/ziCQwIZ8sb0/s320/DSC_3078.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k9pRvRgo7wM/Upk5giWEDtI/AAAAAAAADI8/e-910NEKw5I/s1600/DSC_1233.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-k9pRvRgo7wM/Upk5giWEDtI/AAAAAAAADI8/e-910NEKw5I/s320/DSC_1233.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pFp4_Wo_4Q4/Upk5ttCyvgI/AAAAAAAADJU/Pjyq-4qC56Q/s1600/IMG_1424.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pFp4_Wo_4Q4/Upk5ttCyvgI/AAAAAAAADJU/Pjyq-4qC56Q/s320/IMG_1424.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ELvG40D9dA8/Upk5w_sOxyI/AAAAAAAADJk/XTLks7ODkGA/s1600/IMG_1425.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ELvG40D9dA8/Upk5w_sOxyI/AAAAAAAADJk/XTLks7ODkGA/s320/IMG_1425.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6w7pA43fON4/Upk5yZCh3bI/AAAAAAAADJo/ZcMXc9ZjUrc/s1600/IMG_3429.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6w7pA43fON4/Upk5yZCh3bI/AAAAAAAADJo/ZcMXc9ZjUrc/s320/IMG_3429.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> Just a FEW of the so many people I am GRATEFUL to have in my life.</span></div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-56696230264929820152013-11-19T16:42:00.004-08:002013-11-19T16:42:40.326-08:00...and I thought it would get easier.I always had this idea in my head of fighting like hell, winning my fight with cancer, moving on with my life and living happily ever after. I guess I wasn't being too realistic with myself since my mentality from day one has been "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best." Even before I abruptly ended all my treatments I realized that I needed to start working again. My treatment dosages were being gradually reduced and other than the first morning after my chemo I was basically fully functional again. I built up some debt that wasn't doing anything but getting higher and staying at home all alone everyday was getting really old. After I stopped all Western treatments there was no doubt in my mind any longer, if I didn't find ways to stay busy I think I might lose my mind. <br />
<br />
I remained an employee of my previous employer and planned on returning back there upon completion of my treatment, but situations changed and I was no longer able to return. This was not the news I wanted to hear, but I have had to deal with much harder hurdles in my life and finding another job shouldn't be too difficult, or so I thought. <br />
<br />
My job and financial situation is a very minor problem in life, I still am cancer free and my most recent MRI done last Thursday was all clear! Great news! December 17th will be one year cancer free! The thing I forgot to factor in was all the stress that comes with being "in remission." I used quotes for that word since I still am far from being considered in a remissive state (9 years to exact). So if you see me, lets just not talk about it cause I really don't want to jinx it :)<br />
<br />
My new life now consists of worry and stress nearly everyday. Everything is now a symptom in my head and every headache I have I am immediately convinced that the cancer is back. Anytime I lose track of my thoughts or forget something, it's for sure the cancer. Every weird sensation I feel is immediately something terrible. I feel almost like I am now living my life 2 months at a time waiting for that "all clear" from my doctor so I can breathe again. The worst is the week or two leading up to my MRI when it basically consumes me. I know this will get easier and this past MRI was by far the worst since it was the first MRI post treatment. Don't let me sound like a Debbie Downer, I am so grateful to still be cancer free facing the worst form of brain cancer there is. I am already in a very small population of humans to go a year without this crap returning. I am thankful for everyday and every hour I have, but the mental games are wearing. <br />
<br />
When I was in treatment I had my routine and I knew what, where and how I was fighting my battle. I was never nervous or stressed, I was determined and driven with focus and determination. I had a vision and I was determined to do everything in my power to survive and now I am back kind of just floating. Now I kind of seem out of rhythm. Trying to find a job and getting rejected for positions that frankly I know I am over qualified for is really frustrating, but at this point in my life my job title is the least of my worries. I guess the rejection is the hardest part knowing my capabilities. This is just another stress on top of everything else along with the the rejection which is more of a mental bruise. <br />
<br />
I still wonder what is harder, life during treatment of life after. <br />
As of now, my answer is the latter.<br />
<br />
I am pretty sure this was one of my bad posts, but I said in the beginning over a year ago I am sharing everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. I know tomorrow I will wake up and I will continue my battle, I just needed to vent a little and I guess this is now my public journal so I apologize if I got a little emo.<br />
<br />
On a positive note, I want to thank everyone so much who has donated to my continuing medical expenses fund. I am utterly blown away by seeing how many people support, love and care for me, especially those I have never met. You guys inspire me to continue with this crap hand I was dealt and without your continued support I would literally be drowning in debt. I hate that I have to ask, but I hope I can give you all a little bit of courage to face life a little easier, if not a t-shirt will have to suffice! The shirts are all but done and being printed up within the next week or so and I have something in the works for anyone who is facing a GBM themselves, as I know I have a few GBM fighters following me as well! If you have a GBM, please email me or leave a comment with your e-mail. Stay strong and never stop!<br />
<br />
For anyone who wants to donate: <a href="http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/ryan-s-medical-fund/98826" target="_blank">Ryan's medical expenses.</a><br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
xo<br />
Ryan<br />
<br />
"One day at a time."<br />
<br />
<a href="http://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/chi-chi-rodriguez-hits-himself-in-the-nuts.gif" target="_blank">This</a> Chi Chi Rodriguez fail at a trick golf shot should make you laugh, I sure did.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-92050850356070131762013-10-22T07:12:00.000-07:002013-10-22T07:12:17.446-07:00One year later.The longest and most stressful slash amazing year of my life has finally ended. 365 days ago at about 9am I found out I had a tumor in my brain. That tumor turned out to be cancer. That cancer turned out to be one of the worst cancers around. A year ago marked the beginning of a new lifelong battle that has only just begun. 365 days ago I began a road that will shape how the rest of my life will be navigated. When I speak to my close friends about the upcoming 'anniversary' they always comment on how fast the year went by. For me, this past year seemed like it lasted 5. I guess being on this side of the fence is a bit different, I am just glad it is finally over! My progress with this cancer has put me into a very small population of people. GBM's are notorious for regrowing quite rapidly and not a very large percentage of GBM patients go as long as I have without showing any signs of regrowth- lets pray this continues for another 50 years!<br />
<br />
It has been quite a while since I last updated everyone and A LOT has changed. It has been stressful and wearing to the point of exhaustion, but I am finally now comfortable enough to share what has transpired over the past 6-7, 8 weeks? Last blog I posted about all the issues with my treatments, the chemo's were causing all sorts of problems with my blood counts and making it hard to function at times. I was supposed to be done with my 8th round of chemo and starting my 9th as of Tuesday 2 weeks ago, but my counts have now decided they want to stay just below the minimum required for treatment. Being on a trial drug they are mandated and regulated to the max which means deviation from protocol means immediate disallowance from the trial. I was given not one, but two exceptions due to my prognosis, age and overall health (they really wanted to keep me on the trial since I am doing so well against such a terrible cancer.) Two is the maximum number of allowances allowed for this trial so on my third try my tests still came back low which means I no longer had the choice of whether or not I want to continue on the trial, the choice was made for me.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is change and any change now is quite unsettling when dealing with on of the most aggressive cancers and the most lethal brain cancer around, but at the same time I think that trial was causing more damage than good so I was already about 80% sure I wanted to end it anyways; The decision was made for me and that made it much easier to end it. Driving back and forth from UCLA was getting very old especially not knowing if the drug is even helping in anyway. All I knew for sure was that it was causing me a lot of issues I would not have had to deal with without the drug. I am forever grateful for everyone at UCLA who helped me along this road and whether or not it helped or hurt me, I am still thankful.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Fast forward and I have an appointment with my oncologist to decide my treatment going forward. A week and half later I test my blood counts again and you guessed it, still too low for treatment. Some counts went up, others went down; overall still too low for chemo. After a brief, but informative talk with my oncologist, we decided to <b>stop all treatment.</b> I am testing again in a couple days and the final verdict will be decided when I see how those results look, but I am 99% sure I am done with the toxic chemo (pending a recurrence) which I pray never comes.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The doctors are all very clever when talking to me. The words 'remission' or 'cured' are never used and when I inquired about remission I was told "We rarely categorize GBM patients as 'in remission.'" There are always going to be stem cells in my brain with GBM cancer cells growing, mine are growing very slow at the moment and my immune system is able to clean them out without any trouble, but if they do one day decide to speed things back up, that is where in the trouble lies. Am I cured? Who knows, and frankly until my 50th birthday I will never consider myself in remission, this cancer is just too aggressive to truly let off the gas and the evidence is in the fact that my doctor told me that for the rest of my life I will be doing MRI's every 2 <i>maybe</i> 3 months if I feel comfortable enough. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am going to attempt to continue doing all of my alternative therapies and am actually adding a couple things in since I am taking things out. I want to make sure and cover every base possible to try and keep this cancer where it is. It is painstaking, enduring and expensive. Insurance refuses to cover any of my alternative therapies because there is not enough clinical evidence to back up what I do (aka there is no money in it,) but they have no problem dispensing pill after pill and IV after IV that is not even a possibility of a cure, only a prolonging treatment to stretch lives out an extra few months, but makes them a boatload of money (ironic, right?) <br />
<br />
I have been putting off writing this post because to be honest I am kind of scared. I got into a routine and felt comfortable with my progress as I went about my life. I had routine and comfort in that routine which helped guide me. Once I ended all my treatment I kind of felt like I lost my safety net. It has taken me some time to readjust to another 'new normal,' but I quickly found that I need to stay busy or my mind tends to go into thoughts that are not beneficial to my health. Being scared of living without chemo is a bad mentality and one which has taken me a few weeks to fix. In order to stay busy and try and scrounge up some money I went back to help out a close friend and his family's company part time. It is a weird thing going back to work after such a long hiatus, but after the first day it was like I was never gone.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am trying to go back to work full time, but even returning to work at my current salary, I will not be able to cover half of the alternative therapies I do while trying to cover basic living expenses. I am for hire though, you name it and I'll do it! (I also have a really nice camera and have been told I take decent pictures so maybe if you have something you want documented I can help you out... Don't think I am wedding type material, but birthdays or parties, or showers alike I think I can handle.) </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That being said, what now? Well I need some help again. It is so hard for me to ask for help after all everyone has done for me. Help from perfect strangers and friends alike, you guys have truly been the reason I am here today. Without the help I would have been stuck with just chemo and who knows where I would be. The stuff I do outside of insurance is not cheap at all, but I <b>truly</b> believe in it and think it is the main reason I am doing so well and here today. Whether or not it is I may never know, and I hope I never have to find out! I set up a donation site through what I hear is a free service since the first service my sister used took an exceptional amount of the money donated to me. Anyone who donates $40 or more will get a shirt that I am currently designing myself inspired by this last year of my life (please e-mail ryansepicbattle@gmail(.com) with your shipping address, name and size. I will ship worldwide, just give me some time as these shirts will not even be ordered until I can figure out a rough estimate of how many I will need. These shirts will be limited to whoever donates and will also be the first shirt introduced for Little Kings Foundation. I only need some help to get me going and to pay down a little bit of debt that I have accumulated on my year long battle with this little monster in my head. When I started this I didn't think there was anyway I would burn through over $25,000- guess I grossly underestimated the cost of cancer. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Whether or not you can help me out this time around, I honestly want to thank all of you from wherever the truest of thanks come from. I hope in my year long journey I have helped a couple people along the way. I will continue blogging about my battle and working with the foundation as I gear up for my new life. Stay tuned because the best is yet to come!<br />
<br />
Anyone who wants to donate can visit <a href="http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/ryan-s-medical-fund/98826" target="_blank">Ryans Medical Fund</a><br />
<br />
I can't thank you all enough and <b>PLEASE</b> let me know if I can do anything for any of you, if it is within my power I will make it happen!<br />
<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
xo<br />
Ryan<br />
<br />
"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."<br />
<br /></div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-79513536409393290342013-09-16T10:18:00.001-07:002013-10-10T12:58:54.147-07:00Goodbye SummerIt's been a few weeks since I last post and a stressful slash amazing few weeks they have been. The last post I did was from Portland. I was visiting my family up there enjoying one final trip to the Pacific Northwest before Summer officially ends. It was an amazing trip filled with adventure, memories, amazing scenery and most of all love. Not being able to drive to my sisters homes whenever I want just to chat is often times frustrating since we are all so close as a family. Getting to see them always makes me whatever stresses or worries I have diminish and I am able to forget about the 'C word' for a little bit. My last trip closed with some really tough news that I was not expecting at all. <br />
<br />
When I started this whole journey I was introduced to and met some amazing people, including some new friends from all over the world. Obviously I have yet to meet a lot of them in person, but we often chat via e-mail or text. The young adult cancer community is quite a bit smaller than the rest of the cancer communities and finding people to relate to what you are going through is often hard. I have only met one other AYA cancer fighter who has the exact same thing as me, she is alive and thriving well over 5 years out! But through this journey I have met some amazing AYA's with numerous types of cancer, one of which was a friend named Tiffany. <br />
<br />
I 'met' Tiffany when I was diagnosed and we somehow became friends on facebook. She had been fighting a different form of cancer for quite some time when I began my road and she was always an inspiration to me. She was married and lived in Tacoma, Washington and had the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. We often traded cancer secrets and recommended both healthy food options as well as what our newest 'therapy' regimen consisted of. She did a lot of the same things I am currently doing and we joked about how much our doctors hate that we pursue 'alternative' therapies instead of just sticking with the toxic chemos and radiation that have never shown any proof of healing our cancers, simply prolonging life. She was a fighter and she never let on that anything was wrong. We both knew she was sick, but she never once said how bad she was. <br />
<br />
I spoke with Tiffany a month ago, we did our usual check-in and happy and well wishes. She said she was trying a new therapy that was kinda 'rough,' but other than that she said she was doing pretty well. Not even 3 weeks later out of nowhere it seemed, she passed. She was an amazing fighter and though I never met her, I felt like a small part of me left with her as well.<br />
<br />
The bond that we share as cancer fighters is something I have never experienced before. When you are facing a potential early departure you tend to attach yourself quite easily to other people going through the same thing. We had a connection that was on a different level than any other friendship I have ever had. The loss of my third friend in as many months to cancer was a bit much and I think I let it get to me a little more than I should considering I am now running and organization that will be dealing with people who for the most part might not be living long lives. The loss of Tiffany, financial stresses and having to try and figure out why my blood counts will not regulate began causing quite a bit of stress. When I am stressed the first thing that goes is my appetite. Then the headaches started coming back and within a couple weeks I was feeling pressure, and having balance, coordination and mental issues I have not had since the tumor was still in my head. Obviously with all the symptoms the first thing that comes to mind is the tumor is back, which only builds on the anxiety already there. <br />
<br />
After stressing about this for a couple weeks I finally decided I couldn't do it anymore and I was getting so anxious that I felt like I was about to have a mental breakdown, and to be honest I kind of did. I finally called my doctor and asked to do a scan so I could appease my mind and at least have a resolution regardless of what the outcome at least I had an answer. He ordered a stat scan and I went in and had it done. When I looked at the scan on the screen after it was done the lady said, "You can look at it, but I can't say anything and I don't know what your baseline looked like anyways." Don't worry, I might not have proper schooling in reading them, but I have seen enough to know what a tumor growing looks like so she showed me my scans. The second I saw the scans I felt like a 500lb weight lifted from my shoulders. It was a feeling I have never felt before. It was like the biggest ball of anxiety was at once unravelled and released into the air. Confirming that all my symptoms were not related to my cancer was to say the least, one of the best things I have felt in my life. <br />
<br />
I have never really let myself feel sorry for myself and really aside from the day I found out I had a tumor I never really let my emotions show in anyway- not because I think I am tough, I really just don't feel sorry for myself. But when I walked out of that room I felt like I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I was bottling up so many emotions for so long I think my brain just couldn't handle it anymore and I finally let myself have a moment to feel sorry for myself. It was only a couple minutes, but ever since then I have felt like a new person.<br />
<br />
I talked to my doctors more and conferred with my doctors from UCLA as well, we were still trying to figure out what was causing all the issues because the headaches made sense due to stress, but the rest of the symptoms suggested there might be something else going on. So I called another doctor who deals in primary care, just so I can do a checkup and make sure there is nothing else going on and sure enough within two minutes of my exam I come to find out I have a pretty decent sinus infection going on- hence the pressure, mental and balance issues coupled with the headaches and pressure.<br />
<br />
This all happened on Friday of last week, which was also my lovers birthday. This was the best news I could have ever received because I could now celebrate Tasha's birthday with peace of mind instead of stressing and freaking out the entire time! <br />
<br />
We had an AMAZING weekend filled with dinners, a pool day saturday with amazing friends and beautiful people and a relaxing sunday where my sinus infection decided to peak (I feel 1,000 times better waking up this morning). It was the best possible way to end the summer and I could not have asked for better people to spend it with. I decided that Saturday, just for one day I was going to pretend like I didn't have cancer. I wanted a day to relax, clear my head and have foods that I shouldn't eat, drink beers that I shouldn't drink and pretend that for one day I am healthy again. It was exactly what I needed and the memory of that day alone was worth whatever ramifications may or may not come from it (if any.) I have been so strict with myself that I sometimes forget to just have fun. Sometimes having a couple beers to relax and de-stress is more healthy than the strict regimen I have set in place.<br />
<br />
I have enlisted another 'doctor' into my cavalry whom I will meet with today to help deal with the stresses I endure through this. I am hoping he can help me find a better way to deal with all the anxieties that come with this game because whatever I am doing now is certainly not beneficial to myself (or anyone around me at times.)<br />
<br />
I decided when this summer started that I would make this summer the best summer of my life. I traveled a bit, I saw my family as often as I could, I made new friends and revisited old friends. I smiled and laughed and enjoyed everyday, as summer ends I can honestly say that this summer WAS the best summer of my life. I hope it was as good for all of you as it was for me.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JaVqpcHxYlE/Ujc5y-OCqeI/AAAAAAAADGc/_WImamdOn-8/s1600/316504_10150877499580531_1774890605_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JaVqpcHxYlE/Ujc5y-OCqeI/AAAAAAAADGc/_WImamdOn-8/s400/316504_10150877499580531_1774890605_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tiffany - We will meet for the first time one day down the road, until then...<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
FTGF,<br />
xo<br />
Ryan<br />
<br />
"Try not to forget why we are all here. We are not here to build fortunes or create empires; We are here for a small time to share a piece of ourselves with the world and pass our little piece onto everyone we encounter."Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-37023827490609465882013-08-30T14:47:00.002-07:002021-11-17T12:57:00.728-08:00Staying sane while wandering the 'cancer road' is not that easy of a task. I don't know how many of you have taken the time to read into the type of cancer I am currently fighting, but of the cancers that are out there GBM's are not the best option. Obviously cancer is cancer and there is not a single one out there that is in anyway good, but GBM's are one of the more aggressive and deadly. I try my hardest to not look at statistics and I go out of my way to not read anything regarding my ailment because 99% of the time it is just bad news, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Today was one of those days.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My last post was regarding one of the strongest persons I have ever met. Lauren 'Lola' Scott taught me what strength is in a way nobody else could. She didn't have the same cancer, but hers was just as bad. She fought from the day she was a teenager until her departure at 16. I started Little Kings to keep my mind occupied and help out other people in my situation without putting much thought into it other than I wanted other people to have the help I was so lucky enough to have from all of you. When I met Lola she blew me away and I immediately met one of the best friends I will ever have. It was one day and she changed my life. We texted back and forth after she left and I will never delete our conversation as it is a reminder of someone who I never want to forget even if this cancer eats out all of my memories down the road. When Lola passed away I began to realize what I have signed up for. I am basically going to be spending the rest of my life helping people who are fighting for their lives and many of them will not make it. I lost a best friend in a matter of months and I do not see this trend ending. It is hard to not become attached to such strong, inspiring, motivating and beautiful people such as Lola. She was genuine and loving as can be knowing that she didn't have all that much time left. Going forward in this journey will prove to be more trying than I could have ever foresaw, but it is the road I want to take.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My family had planned a huge trip in Oregon to go stay in a cabin near Crater Lake. This was a trip I did not think I would be able to afford or even have the ability to attend, but after Lola passed I had to get away. Through my awesome friends (Thanks Kellie!) I was able to get a roundtrip ticket to Portland for $80 and my family assured me my expenses would be nothing more, so I booked what is without a doubt the most last minute trip I have ever done in my life and came to Portland to spend some time with my family. Being at the cabin and forgetting about both myself and Lola for a while was everything I needed. I was able to clear my head in the clean, fresh mountain air. We stayed so busy the entire time that I didn't have time to think about all the bad even if I wanted to. We had adventure after adventure, thunderstorms and the most insane rain I have ever seen. Oregonian hillbillies that are the epitome of white trash jerks whom I wish would catch cancer (sorry, this guy was the most evil person I have ever met in my life.) We went to some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen and if you have never been to Crater Lake, do yourself a favor and go at least once. It should be one of the wonders of the world. I have seen some awesome things in my life, and this is one of the most epic places without a doubt. Spending time with my family away from my daily struggles was exactly what I needed. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I decided to stay up here for the following week since I did not have any chemo and spending time with my nieces and nephew has been amazing. I don't get to watch them grow up so visiting them is always a treat. We had great times here and I wish I did not have to leave only to go back for chemo starting again on Tuesday, but such is life. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have been feeling so happy and just enjoying life and today I got news that someone who has the exact same cancer as I do has had another recurrence, her now 5'th recurrence. She has had 5 surgeries already and is now preparing for her 6'th. She has been fighting her GBM for over 10 years and she is one of the longest living survivors I have heard of. Not many people with GBMs make it past 5 years, 10 years is almost unheard of. I think I have read about one or 2 that have made it 20+ years, but I assure you there are not very many. It is hard to think about a long term future with these statistics, and seeing people in the same shoes as you facing such obstacles only weighs more on me. I am the most optimistic person when it comes to this cancer stuff, but I am also a realist. Cancer like mine does not go away. For the rest of my life I will stress and pray that it stays away, but there will always be an enormous (and almost guaranteed) chance that it will come back. As much as I hate it, that is my reality so trips like this past week are what I look forward to. Time relaxing with the people I love and care about and being able to forget about life even if it is just for a few days. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am on the tail end of my trip and leave tomorrow at 7am to return home. I know when I get home I am going to be facing a ton of things on my plate of which cancer is just the icing on top, but today for the last 24 hours I plan on enjoying the hell out of my family and my sisters loving dog of 14 or 15 years old whom I probably will never see again since she is not doing so well. When I get home I will worry about my cancer, my never ending chemo schedule, trips to UCLA, doctors appointments, MRI's, and my diminishing account balances (who would have thought you could burn through $30,000 in a matter of 7 months all thanks to cancer?) Today I am going to try and laugh some more, I want to hug my nieces and nephew and say goodbye to Penny. Today is sunny and beautiful and I plan on enjoying today. I will stress later and put off my mental breakdown as long as I can. Or maybe I should just get it out of the way? I don't know anymore.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I have about 1,000 pictures I have taken in the last 9 days and I will post them once I get them on my computer and edit them a bit. For now here is one of my favorites.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BPhMvc2bzWk/UiJ7oHcY78I/AAAAAAAAAgg/jc6OW1CH4xg/s1600/DSC_3078.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="378" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BPhMvc2bzWk/UiJ7oHcY78I/AAAAAAAAAgg/jc6OW1CH4xg/s640/DSC_3078.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Family!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
xo<br />
Ryan</div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-20951771947483127382013-08-08T15:39:00.004-07:002013-08-09T07:36:38.302-07:00Lola, you are my hero.People always immediately look for answers or justification when a tragedy happens. We need closure or an answer. We need to find meaning in things that seem so terrible or else it makes it that much harder to cope. Lola's death is a tragedy. It is terrible that such an amazing young women was taken so early. But that is what death is, it is tragic by definition. It is the ultimate end and the final period. After my diagnosis I have looked at life very differently. I now notice things and understand things that I may not have understood before. Maybe it is just me looking for answers like everyone else, but the conclusion that I have come to is that everyone has a role to play in this little land we call Earth. I could be wrong and probably am, but I believe we are all meat to do something here, there are the bad entities that try to stray us from our path and they are the ones who were lost on their path by someone or something else. <span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: yellow;">Lola's path was perfect.</span></b> </span> She did exactly what she needed to do. Her life was cut short, but she has touched thousands of people in one way or another. And those thousands of people will in turn act out in honor of Lola, and who knows who they will inspire going forward- her life is endless in many ways because her life has no doubt started a ripple effect in a positive direction. <br />
<br />
I spent one day, not even 6 hours with her and in that time, she left a mark on me that will shape the way I live the rest of my life. In our brief encounter I could feel her energy like a the feeling you get standing too close to a powerful magnet. Her soul resonated with beauty and no matter how much she threw up she managed to smile after. I watched a 16 year old women suffering from a terrible form of cancer that not only caused pain, but wrecked havoc on her breathing and all the fun nausea, vomiting, fatigue and anxiety that we get to endure as a cancer family. Pain is bad enough, she got the trifecta. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make the world a better place and losing Lola has no doubt inspired me once again. I want to thank you Lola, you truly changed my outlook on what was already a skewed perspective. I am bummed we are going to miss our date in New York watching the ball drop for our first time together, but when I finally go you will be with me. I mourn you today and I am sure for a long time to come, but I know what I have to do and I know you are a part of the reason I have to do it.<br />
<br />
In my mind, I know what my end game can be. I know what I am up against and it scares me sometimes. I put on a good face, but there are times where I do get scared and anxious that I might not make it to 30. Treatment is hard and fighting this cancer wears on me. I'll have been on chemo of one sort or another for over 180 days, 30 days of high dose radiation under my belt, countless IV's, blood draws, labs, MRI's, scans, appointments and who knows what else when I finish all of this and then I get to go into 'remission' if I am lucky. And even in 'remission' I will still be doing MRI's every 2 or 3 months for the rest of my life. It is a lot of pain, it is hard and it sucks, but watching Lola fight for so long put even more perspective into my life. After watching Lola go through what she went through, I no longer have any of the fears that I had before. Now, I simply hope that in the time I have, whether it is 2 years or 52 years that I can help to inspire some people the way that Lola inspired me. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>"I love you to the moon and back."</b></span><br />
Lauren 'Lola' Scott<br />
<br />
xo<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan Coffelt<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.littlekings.org/">Little Kings- Helping Young Adults with cancer.</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MYY8wXyHAuU/UgQcQe4dCCI/AAAAAAAAAb0/KOHmFN9D6GI/s1600/1080329_10201885906453772_743300222_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MYY8wXyHAuU/UgQcQe4dCCI/AAAAAAAAAb0/KOHmFN9D6GI/s640/1080329_10201885906453772_743300222_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0RUOKPM4vT0/UgQd36AKt9I/AAAAAAAAAcU/li60XTGyJlY/s1600/DSC_1233.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0RUOKPM4vT0/UgQd36AKt9I/AAAAAAAAAcU/li60XTGyJlY/s640/DSC_1233.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YwjBmBuJcAw/UgQd7xxZJvI/AAAAAAAAAcc/3qZJbOgY5k4/s1600/DSC_1225.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="540" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YwjBmBuJcAw/UgQd7xxZJvI/AAAAAAAAAcc/3qZJbOgY5k4/s640/DSC_1225.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YXfgmf9RsFY/UgQd2-LoGbI/AAAAAAAAAcM/ITBz6xjXpCo/s1600/998941_547915089518_1885460929_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YXfgmf9RsFY/UgQd2-LoGbI/AAAAAAAAAcM/ITBz6xjXpCo/s640/998941_547915089518_1885460929_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><3</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-45000945267194370712013-07-20T12:30:00.000-07:002013-07-20T12:33:34.635-07:00The bittersweet summit.I have been waiting for this moment for the last 2 months. I am now halfway through treatment. I have finished 6 rounds of chemotherapy. The last 6 months have been the most amazing, dramatic, joyful, sad, happy, peaceful and maturing months of my entire life. I have experienced and been through more in these past 6 months than some people do in their entire lifetime. It has been a lot of bad with a million times as much good. Incredible highs with collapsing and devastating lows. The longest 6 months of my life. 6 months that have reshaped me for the rest of my life. 6 months that I will never forget. 6 months of pain, and 6 months of joy. 6 months down and 6 months to go.<br />
________________________________________<br />
<br />
Yesterday was quite bittersweet. I had chemo in the morning which marked the halfway point of my treatment and buried an amazing women in the afternoon. It was a long day to say the least. The service was beautiful, emotional and the perfect ending to a life lived in happiness and love. She left behind a loving family and a ton of friends. I can only imagine how much fun she is having up in heaven now, kinda jealous. She passed away from cancer. One of my good friends is not feeling too well right now. Because of cancer. We lost an amazing 13 year old idol and hero to millions. Because of cancer. There has been tragedy, but there has also been some amazing things to come from all the devastation. Nobody ever claimed that life was easy, not in the least. But through all the bad there is so much more good. That is why we wake up every morning, shower and go to a job we might not like very much. We stress and worry, we complain and can't seem to get a lot of stuff right. We see torture and pain all around us, but we carry on. We do hard labor and mundane tasks to live on this earth. Each day you pay a price and that price is a day of your life. But through the punching in and punching out, if you look deep enough past all the crap and all the evil out there, there are millions of moments that make every minute of life worth all the nonsense we have to go through. There is beauty all around us if we just open our eyes and block out all the crap so see it sometimes. <br />
<br />
I started this blog as a way to communicate my progress through a tumor, which then led to my blog through my journey fighting cancer. I have started to grow a small, but loyal audience and I thank you for following and supporting. I think a big reason that you all keep up with me is because I am able to take this 'terminal cancer' and turn it into such a positive thing. It truly changed my life for the better and I am able to joke around about it. I never take my treatment too seriously and I can laugh about the pain instead of complain about it. I don't think too many people take this approach and maybe that is the appeal, whatever it is I feel like I am getting too emotional and dramatic now. I have been going through some tough stuff personally and the treatment has been a rollercoaster and it seems to be coming off in my writing now as well- I think, (don't know for sure because I don't really re-read my blogs, kinda just wing 'em for the most part.) Spell check makes sure I don't sound illiterate and other than that I'm quite un filtered.<br />
<br />
Going forward I want to go back to how I started this blog. I want to make anyone who reads this laugh. I want you guys to all be with me through this till the end. I can check analytics on my blog and everyday on average over 150 people check my blog. When I post that number is exceptionally higher. It has been viewed almost 100,000 times in 6 months and I can not thank everyone enough for simply reading these and checking up to make sure I am still doing well. You guys are what keep me writing and I hope I am somehow helping you guys as well.<br />
<br />
I have been waiting for this 6 month mark for a while now. After today I will be on the downslope of treatment and in turn, a new 'normal' life. The next 6 months will also be exceptionally awesome as LKF is already starting to catch some steam. We are genuinely excited to continue this endeavor for a long time to come, but we will certainly need everyones help! I love you all and if there is anything I can do for anyone who reads this please ask, and that is not an empty gesture. If I can help, I will figure out a way to help.<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan Coffelt<br />
xo<br />
<br />
This quote is dedicated to my father and for anyone who knows him will totally understand.<br />
<br />
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."<br />
Issac Asimov<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3VO72D434Bg/UerkUDclyEI/AAAAAAAAAU0/3WmsWK7dRKQ/s1600/1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3VO72D434Bg/UerkUDclyEI/AAAAAAAAAU0/3WmsWK7dRKQ/s640/1.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The day it all started, 20 minutes before my craniotomy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-12475510291813521142013-07-17T16:55:00.003-07:002013-07-17T16:55:55.612-07:00Signing up for the cancer club.<div class="p1">
When you are diagnosed your life changes and pretty quickly. It's like an onslaught of anxiety, information, depression, acceptance, anger and every other emotion all mixed into a bag and left out to ferment. The beginning is absolutely terrible, and then you start to find a routine. You get a support system, you start your treatment and you start to feel comfortable in your new life. You get used to getting poked by needles about 3 or 4 times a week. You learn terms that most people couldn't pronounce without assistance, you learn all about blood tests, MRI scans, medical jargon and actually know what they mean. Taking 75 or so pills A DAY doesn't seem all that bad after doing it for months on end. You start to accept that for the most part, your life will never be the same.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
For me, I found direction and purpose, others aren't always so lucky and often others let their prognosis and diagnosis overwhelm them and give up. What I am also finding, is that I have met some of the most amazing people through this journey. People who are in the same fight as me and some of which are not doing so well. I started the Little Kings Foundation wanting to help people that were in my shoes not thinking about the fact that the people I am going to be helping will for the most part be in the hardest time of their lives. I have made friends with people that to be honest, will not make it another year. I have seen children going through the worst treatments imaginable, chemos that make mine look like a frosty beverage on a hot summers day. I have grown to love my fellow warriors, and signing up for this life, I am going to watch a lot of them die. I still don't know how I feel about this and I have heard of 'survivors guilt,' (not that I am a survivor yet, still wayyyyyy too early to be certain about anything) but I don't know if thats what I feel. I know my purpose is to be alive and help so I don't feel bad for being alive, it's more the fact that I have to watch some of the most amazing people I have ever met die and can not help them. This is what angers me more than anything.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
When I was first diagnosed I started looking at random blogs, Instagram hashtags, and countless other peer outlets for young adult cancer fighters. I couldn't tell you how, but I somehow stumbled across an account of the sweetest and most beautiful young lady; her smile was astounding for her current situation and all of her pictures were full of life and energy. I started following her and reading more about her and it turns out she has been fighting cancer for a few years now (She is now 16). I then went to the Stupid Cancer's OMG young adult cancer summit in Las Vegas and I saw her. I never said anything to her and I never even made eye contact, the only time I saw her was in passing down one of the large corridors at the Palms Casino. She was walking with her chin held so high, that was the first thing I noticed about her. She was so confident and she seemed like she didn't have a care in the world even though she was fighting just like the rest of us. She was wearing these combat boots that made her look even more bad-ass! She moved me in that one instant and I can still remember her mom with her halfway grown out ribbon shaved on the side of her head in support of her sick child. The both of them were fierce and unwavering.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
We left that summit and I grew more interested in her and kept up with her more and more. She never knew I existed until very recently when she took a turn in a not so good direction. Treatment was working and then it decided to suddenly stop working and actually speed up the tumor growth. This caused a tumor on the bottom of her lung to grow to a pretty large hot dog looking tumor causing her pain. The cancer has not been easy on her and it is being very tricky to say the least. Lauren or Lola is now taking the time she has whether it's 5 years or 80 years to do what any 16 year old girls wants to do. Little Kings Foundation along with a number of other amazing and inspiring people are doing everything we can do get all of Lola's wants taken care of. </div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Lola came down for the first part of her 'bucket list' trip last week on Tuesday, July 9th. She flew into OC Airport and went straight down to Santa Margarita for the first meeting with Tamara, another person who was met at OMG in Las Vegas. I had a close and amazing friend Kelsey come up from San Diego to do her makeup professionally. After getting her makeup done we set out to Tustin to meet and hang out with the amazing tattoo artist Dan Smith, owner and artist at Captured Tattoo in Tustin known from Kat Von D's show LA Ink and lead singer for the band The Dear and Departed among other ventures. We spent a good amount of time chatting and learning about the tattoo world with Dan. After an amazing visit at by far one of the nicest tattoo shops I have ever been inside of, we went to dinner at Rutabegorz across the street. We finished the day a little earlier than we hoped, but she had a long few days ahead of her so we didn't mind.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
The following days were spent with other kind people (all of whom were met and befriended at OMG) doing countless amazing things. She had a massage on the beach, she did yoga on the beach. She went out in LA and spent the night in Beverly Hills. She lived a normal life and how a 16 year old should spend her time, not caring. She was able to forget what she is facing everyday of her life, and for the past 3 years! She laughed and glowed with energy a mere 2 minutes after she was vomiting in the bathroom like someone who had 20 or so too many shots. It didn't matter because she lived in the moment and the happiness she spread made everyone around her that much brighter. Lola went home a day early, not because she was filling sicker, but she wanted to rest for a couple days before she heads to New York for the second half of her fun filled adventure which will take place this week!</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Lola is an inspiration to me. She puts me in check when I think my life seems a little crappy. Lola is the ultimate fighter who takes on her goliath opponent with a smile and a wink. Things don't always go her way, but she won't back down. Like all of us in the crappy unchosen war for life, we know what the end game can be. We do not try and hide the fact that one road leads to an unwanted early 'exit stage left' and the other door leads to a life well lived. Our theater's are much more dramatic than most our ages and we carry on. Lola spreads joy and amazing energy and she does this by having peace with herself first and foremost. There is no time for weeping while we are still alive. Feeling sorry for ourselves gets us nowhere quickly so why waste the time we have here doing it? If it is another year or another 80 years, Lola has already inspired more people in her short 16 years than many do in an entire lifetime; and who knows who those people will one day inspire through Lola's actions. I only hope that I help people the way that Lauren helps me.</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Lola always reminds me of one of my all time favorite quotes,</div>
<div class="p1">
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all"</div>
<div class="p1">
-Oscar Wilde</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
Follow Lola on her journey as she slays cancer on Instagram @lola_scott1 and <a href="http://www.lovelikelola.com/" target="_blank">Love Like Lola</a><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
FTGF,</div>
<div class="p1">
Ryan Coffelt</div>
<div class="p1">
xo</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2-9YdpzT98A/UectWJJ9inI/AAAAAAAAATE/bska3hs-qp8/s1600/994216_546766650998_96937506_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2-9YdpzT98A/UectWJJ9inI/AAAAAAAAATE/bska3hs-qp8/s320/994216_546766650998_96937506_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pbOemUMXJag/UectXPL87OI/AAAAAAAAATM/YqEvxo2cpfI/s1600/DSC_1166.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pbOemUMXJag/UectXPL87OI/AAAAAAAAATM/YqEvxo2cpfI/s640/DSC_1166.JPG" width="620" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjvcP302TMk/UectZOZi0pI/AAAAAAAAATc/5hc8dNysjgg/s1600/DSC_1189.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DjvcP302TMk/UectZOZi0pI/AAAAAAAAATc/5hc8dNysjgg/s640/DSC_1189.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YjEA6TEsdNU/UectYONvV7I/AAAAAAAAATU/qgSPr2i3kSg/s1600/DSC_1195.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="576" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YjEA6TEsdNU/UectYONvV7I/AAAAAAAAATU/qgSPr2i3kSg/s640/DSC_1195.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-15lQS-Jj8Zk/UectZSQgMmI/AAAAAAAAATg/-3dWD-bkw88/s1600/DSC_1198.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="454" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-15lQS-Jj8Zk/UectZSQgMmI/AAAAAAAAATg/-3dWD-bkw88/s640/DSC_1198.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zu8gjDn5kOs/UectaGQ6U8I/AAAAAAAAATs/erF_ZYaufOk/s1600/DSC_1204.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Zu8gjDn5kOs/UectaGQ6U8I/AAAAAAAAATs/erF_ZYaufOk/s640/DSC_1204.jpg" width="560" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ow5oa00j5eE/Uecta5tUhxI/AAAAAAAAAT0/cEvmWyzR97I/s1600/DSC_1225.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="540" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ow5oa00j5eE/Uecta5tUhxI/AAAAAAAAAT0/cEvmWyzR97I/s640/DSC_1225.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w7a3E9RlUmY/UectcyRa-FI/AAAAAAAAAUE/WwcPfU3OXw8/s1600/DSC_1231.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w7a3E9RlUmY/UectcyRa-FI/AAAAAAAAAUE/WwcPfU3OXw8/s640/DSC_1231.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lWT0urpZJCU/Uectbn9XMXI/AAAAAAAAAT8/iuZXTt1CQwI/s1600/DSC_1226.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="560" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lWT0urpZJCU/Uectbn9XMXI/AAAAAAAAAT8/iuZXTt1CQwI/s640/DSC_1226.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kglYRMo4_ZU/UectdBXae_I/AAAAAAAAAUU/54ERvBheYMQ/s1600/DSC_1243.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kglYRMo4_ZU/UectdBXae_I/AAAAAAAAAUU/54ERvBheYMQ/s640/DSC_1243.JPG" width="408" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p8QCfeVMM_0/UectdAm0yBI/AAAAAAAAAUI/jfO_Q5u6m7M/s1600/DSC_1233.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p8QCfeVMM_0/UectdAm0yBI/AAAAAAAAAUI/jfO_Q5u6m7M/s640/DSC_1233.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IfPVAiKblLA/Uectdzfol_I/AAAAAAAAAUc/lS3Kf7IwT0Q/s1600/DSC_1244.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IfPVAiKblLA/Uectdzfol_I/AAAAAAAAAUc/lS3Kf7IwT0Q/s640/DSC_1244.jpg" width="426" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="p3">
<br /></div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-46914782546175655232013-07-13T13:29:00.002-07:002013-07-14T12:29:36.275-07:00Remembering Debbie.Visiting with Debbie a a couple days before she passed away I was brought back to my little one bedroom apartment where I took care of my mom for so long. Seeing her lay in her bed all but in a coma with all same noises and the smell of sanitizers and medicines brought back a flood of memories. All kinds of memories; good, bad, emotional and happy and sad. Debbie was sick for a long time. She fought like a true warrior and no matter how many of her vital organs decided to stop working, her heart was so strong that it refused to stop pumping the fluid of life through her veins. Even after she said her last word, she laid there for a over a week motionless except for the few involuntary twitches brought on by neuropathy, tumors, medicine and who knows what else. She remained strong until the end, as well as beautiful as the day I met her over 22 years ago. If her head was not shaved she would have simply looked like she was sleeping. She did not lose color, she did not lose her positive energy and she did not lose her spirit, even though she never said a word, she was a strong presence. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I met Debbie over 22 years ago and she quickly became one of my '5 moms.' We all grew up in the same neighborhood in Anaheim and our families evolved into the closest group of friends you could imagine. For about 10 years between the kids in the families and the adults being just as close of friends, we were with each other nearly everyday in one way or another. As we aged and went to different schools, the kids didn't see each other as much, but the original parental groups stayed just as close. My father has spent nearly every weekend of the past 22 years with that group of friends in one way or another. Camping trips, river trips and family vacations galore; Debbie was always the one who maintained herself when most of the group couldn't put down their beers down even after they probably should have. She was the logical thinker who talked the group out of numerous things that no doubt would have led to possible imprisonment or fines. The calm little butterfly with a heart of gold. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In my mind it is hard to understand the bond that they had with each other. I have a very small group of exceptionally close friends, most of which I met in high school and the others my childhood friends. It seems odd that our families did not meet until my parents were well into their 30's with established jobs and pre-existing friends, but none the less when we all met it was almost as if we became one large family over night. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Debbie was always the quieter one. She was the calm little flower that kept the peace in those times where friendly tempers flared or when things got a little rough. She was the backbone that kept her husband and children together through all the stuff they had to go through. Jessica has always been her pride and Little Mike has always been her joy. Her husband and her have been inseparably in love since their youth and nothing could tear them apart. Debbie fought till her last breath to try stay a little longer just so she could feel her families presence. She was so close to seeing her first grandchild that it is tragic, but through her children's and husbands memories she will live on in all of her grandchildren's lives. She will not be forgotten anytime soon. She was one of the most genuine and humble people I have met and was always willing to do whatever she could do to help people. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Even when she was in the middle of her treatment fighting breast cancer, she always supported me through my cancer. She had such a huge heart that when the doctor told her she's not going to do as well as they had hoped, she was worried about me, not herself but who would take care and help me? She was and is like a mother to me, to all of us. Debbie unknowingly adopted 10 more children when she moved to Anaheim. We all love her just as much today as we did the day we met her. Now you get to watch all of us grow old from afar and one day we will meet again. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Now go party with my Mom and Uncle Charlie until the rest of us get up there and save us a seat!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
FTGF,</div>
<div>
Ryan Coffelt</div>
<div>
xo</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
PS, </div>
<div>
Cancer really sucks.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;">"Seeing death as the end of life </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;">is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean."</span><br style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;" /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;"> David Searls</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;"> </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3YDOiuguDSk/UeG2oFGXtLI/AAAAAAAAASk/XU1cKYXAP1M/s1600/267673_10150244920424308_8312436_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="428" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3YDOiuguDSk/UeG2oFGXtLI/AAAAAAAAASk/XU1cKYXAP1M/s640/267673_10150244920424308_8312436_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2mLrXyfMboQ/UeG2oaJEjbI/AAAAAAAAASw/XuTBh9sXBGg/s1600/281143_10151032850685213_1957762750_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="460" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2mLrXyfMboQ/UeG2oaJEjbI/AAAAAAAAASw/XuTBh9sXBGg/s640/281143_10151032850685213_1957762750_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g0tpk8AOTns/UeG2oacvKzI/AAAAAAAAASo/hZkv5Kj0wZI/s1600/858816_380927805339688_965844455_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g0tpk8AOTns/UeG2oacvKzI/AAAAAAAAASo/hZkv5Kj0wZI/s640/858816_380927805339688_965844455_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; text-align: -webkit-center;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-87221472922926267352013-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:002013-06-26T11:14:00.563-07:00Chance encounters.The road I am on is rapidly becoming more and more interesting. What began as a shocking and devastating blow to myself, my family and friends has somehow morphed into something that I thank God for everyday. Being diagnosed with a 'terminal' cancer turned out to be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Allow me to explain.<br />
<br />
Through all the white noise and chemo, something has emerged from the dust like a phoenix rising from ashes. A part of me died on December 17th, a part that needed to die for me to properly live. I was living a lie and had been since my mother passed away nearly a decade ago now. I knew what I wanted to do with my life the moment my mother passed away. I wanted to dedicate myself to helping others who are fighting a terrible and debilitating illness- cancer. I tried finding jobs in the sector a few times and every chance I had I would attend any type of fund raising event that could help others, especially breast cancer events. I slowly started turning away from that path as I was being let down by job inquiries and the realization that working in the non-profit sector almost certainly meant a life of little to no money and most likely more closed doors than welcoming entries.<br />
<br />
The day I was diagnosed I had two thoughts. One: I'm not going to make it past 27. I never told anyone this up until very recently, but I was thoroughly convinced I was going to die at 27. In my life I have known about 8 people who have died, my mother included. The vast majority of the others I knew all died at 26 or 27 of different and absolutely random things. A sprained ankle, turned blood clot that travelled to a heart, a heart attack, a deadly allergic reaction to a prescription drug, a car accident and a suicide to name a few. The people around me who died at 27 had no common thread in any manner other than me. None of the people had mutual friends and I knew each person through different groups of friends. 6 of the 8 people I knew personally died at age 27. I was diagnosed with a mass the size of a baseball at age 27 with 4 months left until my 28th birthday. The day they told me I had the mass I accepted my early fate and I felt as though my deal was sealed. I was living in fear from the day I turned 27 and I felt like my diagnosis was my cue card for the beginning of my end. My second thought was, No. I am not going to die, in fact I am using this as a springboard to start my new life. I made it to my 28th birthday and never looked back.<br />
<br />
I am now on a road that will allow me to do what I have always wanted, no needed to do. I have met some of the most amazing, inspiring, motivating and loving people through this. It is absolutely amazing how many people are in this world that truly want to help other people no matter what the cost. I was seriously doubting the direction this world was taking and since being diagnosed I have fully restored my faith in humanity as a whole. You just have to look around and you will find people who want to love and help you. Sometimes they get blurred away by the evil and darkness the media feeds us, but I assure you they are out there.<br />
<br />
Before leaving for Portland I went and had a Vitamin C IV. Upon entering I saw a couple younger men around my age, which was a shock because I was so used to entering TLC and seeing only older and semi-sick people. These two young men turned out to be in town just doing an IV as a preventative and health conscious way of being proactive. One of the men turned out to be an NBA athlete and the other a sports manager of sorts. We had a long discussion about life, religion and why we are where we are in life. For nearly an hour we talked and swapped stories. It was a chance encounter, a 1 in a billion chance encounter that introduced me to two amazing humans. This is just another example of how the sequence of events leading up to and post diagnosis have given me new faith not only in God, but a purpose for my life. After their IV's ended they departed, but no before exchanging information. This morning I received a text and hopefully it is the beginning of another part of something that will help some people who need help at their most fragile time.<br />
<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
I am now on vacation in Portland typing away on my sisters computer. I never realized how imperative vacations can be for de-stressing. This is the first vacation I have had in almost a year. I had to get away from my cancer life, if only for a week it has been the most relaxing and fulfilling vacation I have ever taken. My nieces and nephew light me up with their energy and my sisters smiles bring me back to my childhood when we all lived in our little 3 bedroom mobile home in Anaheim circa 1990. The outdoors in Portland are unreal and my brothers have taken me to some amazing places, including an awesome white water river rafting trip. (COLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDD!!!!) <br />
<br />
I will be back to real life as of Monday and chemo starts up again on Tuesday, this round will be a milestone as upon completion I WILL BE HALFWAY THROUGH CHEMO!!!!!!!!!!! <br />
<br />
This bible verse was sent to me by my new found friend this morning and it resonated immensely with me:<br />
<br />
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in WEAKNESS." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my WEAKNESS, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in WEAKNESSES, in insults, in HARDSHIPS, in persecution and in DIFFICULTIES. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG.<br />
<br />
2 Corinthians 12:9<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan Coffelt<br />
xo<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lFry6JcfRaA/Ucstzh3XlCI/AAAAAAAAAR0/YWd0BDjBJU8/s1600/_DSC0041.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lFry6JcfRaA/Ucstzh3XlCI/AAAAAAAAAR0/YWd0BDjBJU8/s640/_DSC0041.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BiC1AFd-IJY/Ucst2nAFuHI/AAAAAAAAAR8/s__dJ0_w89w/s1600/016.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="425" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BiC1AFd-IJY/Ucst2nAFuHI/AAAAAAAAAR8/s__dJ0_w89w/s640/016.jpeg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can't stop smiling. 60 degree water and rapids!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-78511226219845059242013-06-07T14:29:00.004-07:002013-06-07T14:29:37.874-07:006 months post op.On June 17th it will be exactly 6 months since the day they cut open my scalp, sawed into my skull and removed a tumor nearly the size of a baseball; which turned out to be one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer around. I was told everything under the sun could happen to me and the severity of this cancer was almost notorious for immediate regrowth. I prepared myself for a road that I had no idea where would lead, buckled down and changed the entire direction of my life in one day. I guess cancer has a way of doing that.<br />
<br />
6 months has almost passed and I went and had another MRI done on Monday. It was the first MRI I had gone two months in between scans and up until the friday before I was overly excited as I was feeling better than I have since before my surgery. And then Friday night I started getting the headaches again. And they seemed to be more severe this time and were almost out of nowhere. I had a very sleepless Friday night going into an ever more symptomatic Saturday. Just a little about me before I go any further, I am very 'mental.' Not in the schizo crazy sense, but I analyze EVERYTHING. I have been this way since I can remember and having cancer only made it worse. I am also quite intelligent at times and am very good at finding and recognizing things most people would probably never think twice about. So once I started getting the headaches again, the only baseline I had for anything like that was my tumor. So this lead me to believe there was something going on up there that might not be so great. Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck the next 2 days and during my MRI. <br />
<br />
The MRI itself was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I had to try and lay still while fighting of nausea, heavy breathing and the want to get out of the most claustrophobia inducing machine on earth. Once the technician let me out I took the biggest sigh of relief and went to greet Natashia. I told her I did not even care what the MRI said, I was just glad it is over. <br />
<br />
So off we go to see Emily, my oncologist to see how my progress is going. We arrive at her office, wait about 15 minutes and the nurse brings us back to her office. I enter her office and she sees me first. She was on speaker phone with another doctor and the second she saw me she picked up her phone and asked the doctor on the other end if he was in his office and if she could go visit with him for a second to go over 'something.' After another second she hangs up the phone says "I'll be right back." And she is off. <br />
<br />
Emily's office is not very big and I could easily see her two computer monitors of which one was my current MRI and the other was my chart. Well, panic isn't even close to the right word, but it is the first that comes to mind. After the longest 10 minutes of my life she comes back in and sits down casually and says, "Lets see how the rest of the MRI looks." I said wait, what was that? "Oh that wasn't about you, that was another patient and I can't talk about other patients in front of you." <br />
<br />
After a near panic attack, anxiety attack and every emotion under the sun she tells me that! I pretty much prepared myself for bad news and an inevitable second surgery, more radiation, who knows! <br />
<br />
Well after recovering from that we went over it in depth and my MRI came back absolutely perfect!!! No new regrowth, no residual swelling and I am actually healing quicker than expected!! All good news and no bad news, those are the days I love.<br />
<br />
Thank you all again for following my progress and supporting me. It means the world to me and I love hearing stories of people telling me I inspire or give them a little perspective on life, because lets face it, we don't have it all that bad, do we?<br />
<br />
"Make your time here meaningful, leave a mark on the world people won't forget for anytime soon. Even if it is only your family, make sure people know you were a force for positivity and an example to follow. Who knows who you might influence."<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan Coffelt<br />
xo<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YXpxULLplzI/UbJQW3YVRgI/AAAAAAAAARU/xsLtB2jDEfU/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YXpxULLplzI/UbJQW3YVRgI/AAAAAAAAARU/xsLtB2jDEfU/s400/photo.JPG" width="350" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finding ways to entertain yourself while waiting for doctors is always a chore.<br />Enjoy!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-52303373360477940062013-05-27T08:11:00.002-07:002013-05-28T13:31:29.353-07:00It is an interesting and very tight rope we learn to walk when fighting cancer. Positivity and optimism are almost as crucial (if not more) than the treatment itself. Many people are diagnosed and in their minds that is it. Upon hearing the news they go home, lock themselves away and accept an early death not even thinking they have a shot. This is not an irrational way of dealing with cancer and with all the evidence suggesting this is usually the end game, this way of thinking is totally understandable. The thing is though, this gets you nowhere and only makes what time you think you have left more and more devastating. The mental side of cancer is almost unbearable at times. Nobody wants to accept their own mortality and the fact that it is your own body that is trying to kill itself makes it exponentially worse. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Staying positive and never once thinking that my end is anywhere near me has kept me going. I am not an idiot nor naive to the point where I deny where this road could lead, but I chose not think about that. Yes, it is hard. It is the hardest thing ever sometimes, but that is temporary and it, like everything else will eventually pass. When it is not hard, life is even more amazing than it was before. You see things differently, you accept things easier, you start to see things you never noticed before in other people and recognizing peoples positive and negative energies either draws you or pulls you away from people in your life. Never giving in and never giving up is the only option for me and everyone else in this unchosen <b><i><span style="color: red;">war for life.</span></i></b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
An extremely close family friend and second mother of mine is currently in the same battle I am in. She is fighting an aggressive breast cancer with her war waging for over 2 and a half years now. She is the ultimate warrior of life and she is stronger than anyone I know. She is not doing so hot right now and the cancer is unrelenting and spreading. She has gone through surgery after surgery and chemo after chemo. The cancer is unrelenting. It spread to almost every part of her body it could spread to, but <span style="color: #c27ba0;"><b>SHE</b></span> is unrelenting. Even after a craniotomy to remove tumors from her brain under terrible health conditions, excruciating headaches, never ending nausea, pain almost too unbearable to handle and dehydration from not eating or drinking for a couple days, <span style="color: #c27ba0;"><b>SHE</b></span> is unrelenting. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I went and visited her and talked to her for a while. We all wear the wounds of cancer and it is visible everywhere even in the voice. The one place she still holds her beauty and always will is her eyes. Cancer can't have everything and the eyes are the key to the soul. Her soul is miraculous and beautiful beyond words. She has the spirit of a fighting Spartan and the love of the most generous mother. This cancer is trying to beat her, but SHE is unrelenting. She is staying strong and she will come out on the other side soon and she will be greeted by her soon to be born first grandson and the return home from her son. Debbie is UNRELENTING and a champion of life. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I ask if you have a second, a prayer, positive thought, mental hug or a mental high five for this battle hardened warrior, Debbie. She needs a little support right now and she will wage this storm.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"It's always darkest before the dawn."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
FTGF,</div>
<div>
Ryan</div>
<div>
xo</div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-67671769280318620242013-05-06T10:32:00.001-07:002013-05-06T10:32:32.516-07:00Round 4; Ready Start!Another huge gap in posts which there is no excuse for. When I started this I said I would keep everyone updated and I have been doing a terrible job for which I apologize for. I have been pretty busy with a lot of different things and just have not sat down to update everyone.<br />
<br />
The foundation is coming along exceptionally well and with the help of some awesome people I am really hoping this becomes something awesome. It is slow moving and building a good web site is more work than I ever would have thought!<br />
<br />
Last weekend I went out to Vegas to the Stupid Cancer Young adult cancer summit in Las Vegas. I met some amazing and wonderfully inspiring people. I also made some great contacts for the foundation and with the help of other young adult cancer fighters, we had a night of partying (which I payed for dearly the following day. Guess Im not in college anymore! ) It was such a nice thing to just get away and clear my head for a couple days, this was my first trip since I started treatment and I now realize how relaxing just getting away for a night or 2 can be when going through this nonsense.<br />
<br />
This past weekend I got one last chance to soak up the sun and have fun outside before I start my next round of chemo tomorrow (kinda strange how the 5 days I will be on chemo the weather is absolutely terrible and the day I finish it is supposed to be beautiful.) With my babe of a gf, and a few of our friends, we went out to a nice lunch and enjoyed the sunshine all day Saturday and had an awesome lunch yesterday.<br />
<br />
For the next couple months, the best way to keep track of me will be to 'Follow' me on Facebook. Unless I personally know you, I ask you follow me opposed to become my friend just so I don't have a ton of people I dont know showing up on my wall (not that I don't care, just would probably confuse me more than anything.) I will continue to try and update this as well, but I am becoming more and more busy with less and less time so with facebook I am able to post small updates.<br />
<br />
If anyone is looking for something amazing to experience in Orange County in two weeks an amazing, beautiful and inspiring friend of mine is having a fundraiser to help raise money for breast cancer support. She has now done it for the last 10 YEARS raising thousands of dollars and she is not even 30 yet! I have been the last 3 years and it is always a highlight night of my year. This year will be the biggest to date and I promise you will enjoy yourself. For all the information, to donate or buy tickets check out <a href="http://www.thebreastcancerfundraiser.com/oc/" target="_blank">Breast Cancer Fundraiser</a> and at <a href="http://www.thebreastcancerfundraiser.com/" target="_blank">Breast Cancer Fundraiser Home Page</a> to learn about her mission.<br />
<br />
Another huge thanks to everyone who has been following my story. You guys truly inspire me and give me reason to beat this little monster in my head. He is persistent, but I am unrelenting.<br />
<br />
"When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life a million reasons to smile."<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan<br />
xo<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8qvsBc5gMhk/UYfnZfMgPyI/AAAAAAAAAQw/R0DlQTHX5d8/s1600/image.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8qvsBc5gMhk/UYfnZfMgPyI/AAAAAAAAAQw/R0DlQTHX5d8/s640/image.jpeg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Beautiful people on a beautiful day. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-53045253825122026382013-04-11T12:51:00.001-07:002013-04-11T12:51:38.054-07:00Round 3.Well, quite a bit has happened since last time I posted a blog. Ive had some major changes and some minor ones as well. First off, I am happy to say Tasha and I have moved in together. We have been through a lot with all of this nonsense and I am convinced that there are not too many things left in this world that could tear us apart. This is the first time I have lived with a 'significant other' so I am kinda nervous, but excited! Darryl also moved in with us so I not only get to live with my girlfriend, but my best friend as well. This would have been the perfect set up 5 years ago back when we could stay up past 11pm, now if I am up past 10 I feel like I am going to turn into a pumpkin. We got a nice little condo on the Santa Ana / Tustin border and it suits us quite well. Moving while on treatment is not a fun thing to do, especially trying to fit a washing machine up a flight of stairs that had no more than 2 inches of play total. Needless to say that was an adventure. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Before this move went down, I somehow managed to get sick. I had (and still have) a terrible cold. For 4 days I was coughing, sneezing and wheezing up some fun phlegm and then on Easter Sunday I woke up running a fever. This is a problem when you have no immune system and a cold can turn into pneumonia in a couple hours... SO, off to the ER I went. After a substantial amount of time and countless tests later they gave me the all clear and sent me on my way to monitor it closely. Luckily the fever dropped that day and I was only left with a nasty cough which I am still trying to fight off. The combination of fighting this cold along with the delayed onset of the side effects of the radiation therapy I have had almost no energy to do anything these last 2 weeks. I am hoping this issue will pass because it has been extremely tough getting out of bed some mornings and I find myself napping quite a bit lately. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Fast forward to Tuesday, this marked the beginning of my third round of chemo. Initially I was under the assumption that I would not do another MRI until the end of April / early May and then on Saturday I got an e-mail from my coordinator at UCLA asking me to bring a copy of my MRI. This was an interesting revelation since I could not schedule an MRI over the weekend and I had to have it done before Tuesday. So Monday morning I was able to scramble and schedule an MRI in Irvine and get it done. I am so happy to say that the MRI came back "Great." No new growth! This is an excellent step in the right direction and I like to think whatever I am doing is working. I was exceptionally nervous the entire time leading up to the MRI and I have to give a huge thanks to my father for driving me all over Southern California. We went from Anaheim to Santa Ana to Irvine to UCLA back to Anaheim then back to Santa Ana. I think altogether it was somewhere around 4 hours of driving. I was way too nervous to do all of that on my own and he helped out immensely. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Things have been going very well and I am so thankful for all the support from my all of you and I know the prayers and good wishes are helping so keep them coming!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
___________________________________________________________</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Little Kings Foundation is getting closer and closer to launching it's landing page. We will be accepting donations from day one and we have some special things in mind for people who donate from the inception, so stay posted!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Isn't it funny how by day nothing changes, but when yo look back everything is different?"</div>
<div>
C.S. Lewis</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
FTGF,</div>
<div>
Ryan</div>
<div>
xo</div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-16543149601762720422013-03-23T08:39:00.001-07:002013-03-23T08:39:21.258-07:005 monthsago my life changed. I got a cal at work and my world got flipped, turned upside down. It is still strange and foreign to me and this battle is far from over, in fact it has just begun. <br />
<br />
I have never been able to sit still, I don't call it ADD because I have no problem focusing or paying attention, I simply always felt as if I was wasting my time by not doing anything. I sometimes have a hard time watching television shows because I feel like I am wasting time not being productive for myself or someone else, and this was before I was diagnosed. I also know that part of the reason I felt so wasteful in doing nothing was because I always knew I was meant for something, anything more than what I was in life. After I was diagnosed, this multiplied by about a thousand which is quite troublesome and contradictory to what every doctor suggests I do. They all want me to heal, not be active and stay in bed. There is a problem with this, because laying in bed now unless it is past 10pm or before 9am gives me anxiety. I am 99% sure I will beat this and be an exception, but in the back of my mind I CAN NOT deny what I am up against. I know the statistics, and I know that this will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I also know that what I have put into my body these last 3 months will almost certainly lead to an earlier death than anyone would hope for. I really had no choice in the matter and I accept that, but I am hoping and praying I still get at least another 30 years out of this thing we call life, but even that is not guaranteed. <br />
<br />
Yesterday was the 5 month 'anniversary' from the day I found out I had tumor slightly larger than a golfball in my head. Yesterday was also supposed to be the last day of my second round of my chemo injection, until it was not. I drove out to UCLA, which after a nice detour and quick tour of South Central due to my fathers uncanny navigation skills led us astray for about 30 minutes turned out to be the longest drive to LA ever. We arrived at my doctor and I was already feeling quite drained, nauseated and weak. My nurse came in and said my blood work which I had done on Tuesday came back low and they wanted to re-test to see if it had gone back up in the past 4 days at all. Well after my 247th blood withdrawal the results came back far worse than they were on Tuesday. My white blood cells had dropped to under 1.5 and my total immune system counts were down to .7 where the .5 mark is the panic button. This is by far the lowest my counts have ever been and now I realized why I felt so terrible. I was told my counts were far too low to continue on the chemo and I needed a break. If I continue to trend downward, they would have to take counteractive measures to help boost my immune system back into shape and so, I am now BUBBLE BOY! I will re-test again on Monday to see where my counts are and I hope they start working their way back up because from what I hear about the counteraction methods they have to boost immune systems, they do not sound like fun. <br />
<br />
This new 'bubble boy' lifestyle I will live for the next few days is not what I had planned for this weekend. I try my hardest to stay busy and productive with every second of every day and sitting around now more than ever makes me feel like I am literally wasting my life. On top of that, I can't even exercise or do anything active because my body is fighting a major internal war and needs all the energy it can muster and there is absolutely no extra fuel in my body right now for external activity. I can not see friends and for the most part I feel like leaving my bedroom could be dangerous. (I now have a new understanding for people suffering from agoraphobia!) <br />
<br />
No, this was not the news I wanted to hear and after all of the good things that have happened in the last month, this is just a minor setback and to be honest should have happened long ago. Most everyone faces this hurdle at some point during intense chemotherapy treatment and I was lucky to go as long as I did before having to deal with it. I will be just fine and I am certain that when I re-test on Monday I will be right as rain and back to my 'normal' life again. The only thing is they wanted to increase my chemotherapy dosage AGAIN and I can guarantee that will not happen. I am willing to do anything to beat this, but putting myself into a potentially life threatening state due to treatment seems kinda counter productive, right?<br />
<br />
__________________________________________________<br />
<br />
On a side note about The Little Kings Foundation:<br />
We have been progressing steadily, but slowly. We want to figure out the best and most sustainable option for our foundation that will also allow us to be most productive and beneficial to our mission. We have been talking with lawyers, other similar foundations and countless people who have been of immense help to Ryan and myself. I am a grand optimist and I know that, I also know the reality of most non-profit foundations and the road that they usually lead down, but I think with all of your help and the amazing support of some amazing people- The Little Kings Foundation has the potential to be something very big. I hope one day it can be a platform to help every young adult facing a tough cancer live his or her life to the fullest. We have nearly nailed down our logo and things are moving along nicely. It is only a matter of time before we start our little part in something big and I hope you all will want to join us. <br />
<br />
Have AN AMAZING WEEKEND!!!! Tell your friends you love them and compliment everyone who you encounter. <br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan<br />
xo<br />
<br />
We can't always change the world alone, but we can play our little part in something big and try like hell.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Q2HvuhKKJWU/UU3L1COWwSI/AAAAAAAAAQc/YZlJkJXGHPw/s1600/photo.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Q2HvuhKKJWU/UU3L1COWwSI/AAAAAAAAAQc/YZlJkJXGHPw/s640/photo.JPG" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Iggy are gonne be BBEEESSSTTTTT friends for a couple days!<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-32691701965443937882013-03-14T11:48:00.002-07:002021-11-17T13:00:28.969-08:00A note on my diet.I have seen many people that I have not seen a very long time recently and yes I have cancer and yes I have lost weight. The reason I lost weight is because of the cancer, but not necessarily why you would think. Most cancer patients lose weight because they are too sick to eat or simply have no appetite. This is not the case for myself. My appetite has not changed since the day I was diagnosed and if anything, I am now taking in more calories than I ever have. The difference is I now know what I am eating. People change their diets for a myriad of reasons, I changed my diet to save my life. <br />
<br />
My new diet consists of only the basics: I eat very lean meats (chicken, and bison meat preferred behind white fishes and tunas.) I eat AND juice vegetables only (no fruit at all since my specific cancer needs fructose to thrive and fructose is the natural sugar in fruit.) I get a lot of good fats in avocados, extra virgin olive oils, raw and salted nuts and 'clean oil' fried foods. (Extra virgin olive oil is the best for your body.) I now eat 4 or 5 times throughout the day instead of two or three big meals. (5 small meals so my body is always digesting as opposed to starting and stopping the process over and over.) I intake no sugar and I have a pretty strict ~50g carb limit (basically the veggies I eat) I have a glass of hot peppermint or green tea when I need some flavor in my beverage and I am content. <br />
<br />
This 'diet' is in fact not a diet at all. I am finally for the first time in my life eating perfectly healthy. I cut out all processed, gmo, preserved and pesticide filled foods and I have not sat in a drive thru since diagnosis. So yes, I have lost weight, but I am stronger now than I was before all of this. Internally I feel more healthy and vibrant than I ever have in my life. It was hard at first and sugar is addictive and going cold turkey and cutting out every form of sweet food in my life was rough for a bit, but now I enjoy veggies as opposed to brownies. <br />
<br />
This is just a brief explanation of why I have lost weight, it is not the cancer eating away at me, it is not nausea that makes it impossible for me to keep food down... I simply changed my diet and my body now only has what it needs, no 'crap.' <br />
<br />
I can and will elaborate much more on this, because I think every person on earth should follow a <b><i><u>similar</u></i></b> type of 'diet.' It is healthy, clean and you get what you need and nothing you don't. Many people think because they are vegan or vegetarian that their 'diet' is healthy, this is not always the case and in fact may vegetarians and vegans consume massive amounts of carbohydrates which turn into sugar and subsequently make you far less healthy. <br />
<br />
So any girls, or guys that want to lose weight or simply want to be healthy stay tuned and I will explain to you all in great detail what it will take. I was never big to begin with and didn't have a lot of weight to spare, so losing the little weight I did makes me look even more skinny. If you are a bit over weight and have a lot of weight to lose, I guarantee you that within a month you will lose a great deal of weight *IF YOU ARE STRICT AND PRECISE AS I AM. I do not cheat, and I try my hardest to stay under 50 grams of carbs, which is very very hard.<br />
<br />
I just wanted to address this because over and over I have heard people comment on how skinny I look, I have always been self conscious about being tall, lanky and skinny and I sometimes would force myself to eat foods I knew were bad for me just cause I wanted to intake a million calories, I now know this is the complete opposite of what I should have been doing and this is my natural and healthy weight, before I was unhealthy and overweight. <br />
<br />
If you want an <i>easy</i> step one in losing weight, cut out sugar completely. Force yourself to stop eating it and any food that has sugar in it. You will be shocked at how many foods you eat daily have copious amounts of sugar including all those juices you drink, and if you drink any type of soda and I don't care which one it is or how sugar free or low calorie it is- STOP. NOW. You can have one final soda and that ends it. There is not a single benefit from drinking soda, it simply is flat out bad for you in every way shape and form. Drinking sodas and juices accounts for a huge portion of Americans sugar intakes and for the major companies, they use an artificial sweetener called high fructose corn syrup (HFCS.) This might as well be a slow setting glue in your blood that will eventually cause your blood to thicken. And thick blood=higher blood pressure...Higher blood pressure means slower circulation...Slower circulation means less oxygen being distributed to your vital body cells...Most all degenerative diseases need low oxygen, high acidic environments to thrive ..This leads to millions of problems on all different scales. You need to be afraid of sugar like you are afraid of dying. This is step one.<br />
<br />
...to be continued<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan<br />
xo<br />
<br />
Would you throw trash and garbage in your bedroom to sit and rot for a few months? If not then why would you throw trash into your body? You literally are what you eat, where do you think new cells are derived from? The source of their existence is what you feed them. Feed them crap and they will turn into crap. Think about it logically, not scientifically. Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-39346258174514201552013-03-10T18:21:00.000-07:002013-03-10T18:21:02.334-07:00Today I had my first MRI post radiation and chemo. To say I was nervous would probably be an understatement. The hard part about all of this is not the treatment, the diagnosis, it is not the pain or any of the other million things that accompany cancer; the hard part is the waiting. The so called 'limbo' stage where I do not know too much one way or another. The anxiety that this causes is unreal and anyone who has or is going through cancer will tell you the same. The waiting game is the real torture. Once I have an answer, at least it is confirmed one way or another, until that answer is clear I still have to know that it can go either way and one of those directions is obviously a direction I am not hoping for. I sat in the little tunnel of claustrophobia for what seemed like an eternity and the entire time I visualized myself inside my brain leading an army of battle warriors against an army of evil. I visualized this battle taking place in the area of my tumor and it was not once sided. I know what is happening up there and we are losing some of the good guys, but I also am certain that with every loss of one of my soldiers we are taking out 20 of the bad guys. I did not picture a clean battle, but one of blood and massacre. A battle that mimics many of the worst I have studied in our worlds past and I am confident that the winning side will be my team and I will forever be grateful and appreciative for my new life.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Going forward is the start of another road, this road will be tough and filled with plenty of obstacles. I meet with my oncologist on Tuesday, she will go over my most recent MRI and I will hear what she has to say about it. As I said before, this is the first MRI post radiation and I am certain my brain probably resembles a piece of pie at this point so she wont be able to tell me too much. This MRI will become my new 'baseline' and a month from now will be the true test to see where this monster is headed. (Get it, 'headed?') After I meet with Emily I will shoot over to UCLA to start my next round of the trial drug I am currently on. This is the fun part, every injection feels like fire going into my body then I become immediately tired. After a nap I wake up with a fun rash and a couple days of swelling and I look like I am pregnant with a small alien in the side of my abdomen. The injection sites JUST finished healing a couple days ago and now I get to start alllllllllll over again! Ironically, I don't even know if these are helping in the battle, but I am trying everything I possibly can so a little bit of pain is just part of the game. Tuesday will also mark the end of my 'chemocation.' I finished my initial marathon session of chemo which consisted of 45 days straight, minus a 3 day break when my blood counts dropped very low and Tuesday I will begin chemo again. This time the regimen will be a bit tougher though- I will be taking double the dosage of what I initially took, but only for 5 days straight. I will then be off chemo for 25 days, then back on for 5 days double dosage again. This will continue on for about a year or until they don't think it is necessary anymore for one reason or another.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Like I said, it is going to be a tough road and I am not sure how my body will react to doubling the dosage of chemo that I initially took. I skated through my initial treatment and I hope that it is the same this time around, but only time will tell. Until then, please continue those happy thoughts, prayers, mental hugs and good vibes- I am all but sure they are helping!!!!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
_____________________________________</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Ryan and I are currently working extra hard to get the foundation up and running. We are working with some exceptionally talented and amazing people to help us set up the groundwork and I can not be more excited to launch it. We have some amazing ideas in the works and within the next few weeks we will be sharing a lot of information with everyone. I truly hope you all will help out with this new foundation as much as you have helped me through this journey. I KNOW that we can help a lot of people who need a lot of help. Changing people's lives is an amazing feeling and having been the one in need of help for so long, now it is time for me to return the favor. Thank you everyone and stay tuned for some awesome things coming up, I promise you it will be fun and you will be changing lives.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There is no better feeling than to know you have changed a life for the better, to know that you have impacted someone in such a way that you have completely changed their life for the better. No amount of money nor material possessions will ever equal the feeling of inspiring someone.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
FTGF,</div>
<div>
Ryan</div>
<div>
xo</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AcTHfQQimAg/UT0xPdsVC1I/AAAAAAAAAQI/y6MHZn8zeGo/s1600/417653_949812306719_1911198984_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AcTHfQQimAg/UT0xPdsVC1I/AAAAAAAAAQI/y6MHZn8zeGo/s640/417653_949812306719_1911198984_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">15 years later, still an amazing group of guys. CREDO</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-82500454291066523272013-03-03T09:17:00.003-08:002021-11-17T13:13:55.901-08:00And so it begins...I have been hinting at some big news for the last few weeks now, and I am proud and utterly terrified to finally be able to say that with the help of some amazing humans, I will be moving forward on setting up a foundation to help educate, inform and motivate people to look into more natural and holistic forms of treatments. When fighting critical illness, we deserve the right to have all the information there is, not just what western medicine tells us. I have been so grateful for all the guidance and support I have received from so many people outside of my western medical team and most people are not afforded that luxury. What I want to do now is help other people. This is what makes me happy and my network of friends has shown me how important it is to help someone in a time of need. <br />
<br />
I am so thankful for everyones help, but now it is time to help others. I have more than enough money to cover my expenses and I am now devoting my time, energy and effort all to this foundation. I hope you all will continue to support me by supporting this foundation. I do not care to put anymore money into research or finding a cure. I have been tainted by the medical world through this experience and I find it extremely hard to wrap my head around the fact that after 50+ years of research they are still saying a cure is at least another 25+ years out. Cancer has literally become it's own economy and if you truly sit back and think about the market that this illness has created you will see why maybe they are not in such a hurry to find a cure after all. Millions of jobs are created, billions of dollars are made and a lot of very influential and rich people would loose a lot of money if a cure was found. I am not a conspiracy theorist in the least, but come on... This is why I want to focus on the person suffering, not the huge corporations doing the "research" to find the cure. The cure will come one day when it does, the evil greedy doctors and pharmaceutical companies finally have to pay the piper and I can not wait to see those companies burn.<br />
<br />
I have been meeting with people setting up the foundation and having paperwork expedited to get this up and running as fast as I can. This is now the sole focus of my existence and I know this will make me happy. The next few weeks will be full of meetings, setting up spaces, introducing more people and getting this snowball rolling. I hope over time this can turn into something that will help change the lives of everyone affected by cancer!<br />
<br /><br />
Going forward the next few weeks I will have more information and yes, this will be a 501c3 non-profit which means we will be able to issue tax deductions for donations! I am so excited and I hope you all are as well! More news to come very soon and have a great Sunday!!!!!!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SemgI45TGK8/UTOEVND7stI/AAAAAAAAAPw/f2ymlpEyJPI/s1600/420306_539280787728_911441835_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SemgI45TGK8/UTOEVND7stI/AAAAAAAAAPw/f2ymlpEyJPI/s640/420306_539280787728_911441835_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ryan Kalil, better known as Frank's son.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I32kIsiCLBU/UTOEVRj1L8I/AAAAAAAAAP0/jx0yvudDsmM/s1600/421827_539280593118_368405622_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-I32kIsiCLBU/UTOEVRj1L8I/AAAAAAAAAP0/jx0yvudDsmM/s640/421827_539280593118_368405622_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the coolest dudes I know, Matt Slater. (NFL pro-bowler the last 2 years... No big deal.)<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">
"Find peace in happiness."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
FTGF,</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Ryan</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
xo</div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-81339958149525726152013-02-27T10:37:00.003-08:002013-02-27T10:37:28.872-08:00Starting life at 28To be honest I have no idea how this is going to play out 6 months, a year, 20 years, 40 years from now... What I do know is that brain cancer as of today has been the best thing that has happened to me. Yes it is hard as fuck and there are times where my body feels like it is rejecting itself from the inside out, but it is a small price to pay for inspiration. I just turned 28 and it took me that long for my life to begin. Up until now, I have been floating from stop-gap to stop-gap. I never had any direction and everyday I woke more and more frustrated with myself. I have surrounded myself with great people of all walks of life from CEO's of multi-million dollar companies, professional athletes, inspiring philanthropists and humanitarians, amazing artists of all walks, and countless driven individuals with direction. I on the other hand have been passing time trying to figure out what the hell I am doing with my life. Going from job to job not knowing where I am headed, just knowing I need money to pay my bills. It is the most frustrating and depressing thing to <u>KNOW</u> that deep down you are meant for something much bigger than what you are doing. I knew I had a purpose and I spent countless hours trying to figure out where my place in the crazy world is an now I have my answer.<br />
<br />
Today is day one of my new life. For the first time in a very long time I finally know where I want my life to end up. I have direction, purpose, inspiration, drive and motivation... The one thing I might not have is time and that in itself is even more motivation. I have never had a clear path nor a smidgen of an idea of what I wanted to do with my life. It is now clear as crystal where I want, no need my life to go. I have learned, grown, matured, and had countless epiphanies over that past 4+ months that I can no longer hide from my future. Going forward my life will consist of a few basic yet direct principles and missions. The top of this list is going to be being happy. <br />
<br />
It is strange to me that I can say something as basic as the most important and guiding principle in my life going forward will be to be happy. I feel like everyone should live by this simple guideline, yet so many of us fall into lives that we truly don't enjoy. Routine becomes habit and habit becomes familiar and familiar is safe. We like safe, we like security and people for the most part are afraid of things that are not guaranteed. I am at a point where I am not guaranteed too much other than right now and so this alleviates a lot of fear that most people let hold them back. As of today I have a new mission in life and that is to help people be happy. This is what makes me happy and with some help from you guys we can do this together and I think you will see why helping others live happy will make you happy.<br />
<br />
I am in the process of setting some things up that will shape and direct my life going forward, there are going to be some major changes and step one was simplifying my life. I started this yesterday by literally cutting my possessions in half. I didn't have too much stuff to begin with, but I had a lot of stuff that I didn't need that maybe someone else can benefit from. I know all of you can do quite well doing this in your lives. I made a rule and stuck to it with the only exceptions being nostalgic memories. The rule was simple, if I hadn't used it in the last 2 years, it was gone. After a couple hours, my bedroom was nearly empty including a completely empty dresser. I will be sharing the next few parts of my new life going forward in due time, and I will be calling upon some of you for your help. You have all helped me tremendously already, and I hope I have not yet worn out my welcome.<br />
<br />
"Find happiness in simplicity, find chaos in greed."<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan<br />
xoRyanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-79690873740920199812013-02-23T17:22:00.003-08:002013-02-23T17:47:07.039-08:00Benefit and Birthday wrap up (Finally)After another 2 week hiatus and I apologize. I have been exceptionally busy on the weekends and I have no internet access while I stay in LA aside from my phone. Today I finally get to give a full report on the event we had at Detroit Bar and my birthday weekend which was both hard and amazing. The third part of this post will be an explanation of my 'new life.' There are things that have been set in motion that are now trains and will become very hard to stop. To say this experience has changed my life is both cliche and an extreme understatement at the same time. So lets start with the event that was on 2/9.<br />
<br />
HOLY SHIT. Thats all I can say about that. I am STILL utterly shocked, amazed, awed, inspired, motivated, grateful, moved and touched by ALL the support that was shown. There were close to 430 people who eventually passed through the doors of the place at one time or another. I was scared, absolutely petrified that it was going to be a waste of time and nobody would show and it was going to be a waste of everyones love and effort who helped organize it. I was wrong. Very wrong. The first good sign was when they put presale tickets up and nearly 150 were sold in less than a week! I showed up a bit late, I was having trouble finding a ride, but upon my arrival around 8:45 there was already A LINE of people in the parking lot waiting to get in. I was speechless and literally nearly cried. To see so many people who truly care about you and want to help you is the most moving thing I have ever experienced. I wish that everybody could have felt the feeling I had when I saw all of those people, it was unexplainable and it was amazing. I was told not to hug anyone and avoid people as much as I could- I didn't listen. I hugged everyone I could find and I think I kissed a few too. I didn't care, at that moment all I cared about was showing how much I appreciated EVERYONE who came out. The night was a HUGE success and the greatest testament to the people I surround myself with. There were people I hadn't seen in close to 15 years who came from distances as far as Oregon just to be there. There were plenty of people I did not know, but everyone there knew me through someone I was friends with. I try my hardest to only surround myself with genuine and humble people... Well after Saturday night (and I think and you guys can agree who were there,) I might have the best group of friends in the world. There were drinks, there were laughs and even some tears, but when it was over and I was wellllllllll past my bed time I knew I was going to get through this with those people who were there that night standing strong right beside me. My blood counts were low and I was risking getting sick with every hug and every second I spent there, but I did not care one bit. I somehow knew I would be fine and I was. I woke up the next morning STILL trying to wrap my head around how little 'ol Ryan could draw in a crowd of nearly 450 people- and then I realized it was all of you. The people in my life are epic, not me. You all make me who I am and help shape me as a person! I draw my inspiration from you all and it feeds my desire and determination to beat this monster (and that is exactly what I am currently doing!!!!!!) <br />
<br />
I need to thank a few people again, and make sure you guys truly know how much I appreciate you all in my life. The people who were the organizers and purveyors of the event. Leah, Jessica, Anthony, Lindsay and my partner in crime Natashia. You guys were astounding and I still can't figure out where half of the awesome prizes came from. You guys took the lead and made an astounding night of fun, entertainment and humanitarianism all in one. I honestly can never thank you guys enough, but I will most certainly try. I love you all like a fat kid loves cake!! <br />
<br />
To everyone who donated things, you guys made this even possible and made spending a little bit of money even more worth it. Without your donations (and this list is huuuuuuge) we would not have raised nearly as much as we did! I hope one day you all will one day depend on me for something and allow me to repay you in some way. I love you all like Willy Wonka Loves chocolate.<br />
<br />
To the bands, David and the DJ- You guys simply fucking rock. Period. I now have 3 new favorite bands and I am pretty sure I believe in magic now... EVERYONE needs to check out Restavrant <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Restavrant" target="_blank"><span style="color: magenta;">Restavrant's Facebook!</span></a>, <span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;"><span style="color: white;">RT N the 44's</span><span style="color: #333333;"> </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/RT-N-the-44s/358526517411" target="_blank"><span style="color: magenta;">RT N the 44's Facebook Page</span></a><span style="color: #333333;"> </span><span style="color: white;">and </span></span><span style="color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;">Dano Forte's Juke Joint Freak Show</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;"> </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/RT-N-the-44s/358526517411" target="_blank"><span style="color: magenta;">Dano Forte's Juke Joint Freak Show Facebook!</span></a> and if you see wanna see some legit magic, do yourself and check out David Bonfadini at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/RT-N-the-44s/358526517411" target="_blank"><span style="color: magenta;">David Bonfadini the epic magician!</span></a> - </span>how many MAGICIANS do you know that are sponsored by Rockstar Energy Drink?? Well now you know one.<br />
<br />
And thank you to Detroit for allowing us to rough up your bar a little and hopefully not leave it too worse for the wear. Detroit bar is an awesome place for GREAT music and I can say I have stumbled into there on more than a few occasions and come out with a new band obsession. They are constantly booking great bands that rock the place and most any day of the week you can find some good tunes with stiff drinks.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone who helped out in anyway! There were probably another 30 people who helped with the photos, selling, organizing, raffle, and countless other things. You all know who you are and I thank you and tip my hat to you all. I love you all like a dog loves his bone.<br />
<br />
The night was a huge success and we raised around $12,000.00. Thats right, our little group of friends in one small area of Orange County was able to rally together and raise over $12,000.00. This is just the beginning of what is to come. Like I said, this has changed my life in more ways than I could ever explain and going forward I plan on helping to change other people's lives with all of your help. I will tell you more about that at a later date, right now I want you all to realize what you did. You helped save a life. You all gave me another shot at LIVING, the most basic and important part of life is to be alive and now I feel like I have a future that wont be littered with 100k in medical bills swamping me and not ever being able to get out of debt. For all of you, I like to think this was no sweat off your back and I hope you had as much fun as I did. Think about that, you were able to change someone's life while having a great time, meeting new people, re-aquatinting old friends and seeing some awesome bands. Who would have thought changing someone's life was as easy as a typical Friday night out with friends?!?! Just sayin...<br />
<br />
Thanks again for that epic night and you all are the true heroes.<br />
<br />
_______________________<br />
<br />
<br />
My birthday! The day I turned 28. For a second there wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but here we are! We initially planned on going out on Saturday, but unfortunately my body had other ideas. I had an early morning appointment of chelation therapy to help clean my blood which put me on my ASS for the duration of the day. I could neither keep my eyes open long enough, nor eat a smidgen so my actual birthday was spent on a couch. BUT, the following day I was not going to let this hold me back. I woke up feeling equally as terrible, but I did not care. I forced and willed myself to feel better and after a while I was. A group of astounding friends and I ate an awesome dinner at True Foods in Fashion Island. This is an amazing restaurant which serves natural, organic and fresh food at the most reasonable prices imaginable. They have juices that are nearly irresistible and torture for someone who is no longer allowed to eat fruit since fruit sugar is my ultimate enemy at the moment! We laughed, ate and had our own little private room. It was great to be with friends I care about and not being on a couch was like euphoria to me! Thank you to all of my friends who came out, and even those who were over an hour late (no names ;). It was truly the most memorable birthday I have EVER had, I will never forget that night, our drinks at Muldoons, the laughs and the company. You guys became a part of my life that will live on in my memory as long as my radiated and infected brain will retain the thought. xo<br />
<br />
Check the link below for an awesome array of photos thanks to the epically talented Leanna! If you EVER need an amazing photographer check her out at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/LeannaJeanPhoto" target="_blank"><span style="color: magenta;">Leanna Jean Photo</span></a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.380910722008063.81733.340184586080677&type=3" target="_blank"><span style="color: magenta;">Pictures from the show!!!!</span></a><br />
<br />
If you were at the show, you know I had a little 'speech' I wrote out which I ended up no being able to read at all. Well here it is if you are still interested :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">+It is going to be extremely hard to not be overly cliche and predictable in situations like these, but I'm going to try. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px; min-height: 29px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have been through a lot in the past few months and I've seen a lot in this life, good bad beautiful horrific Inspiring and everything in between. My time in africa showed me just how desolate and absolutely brutal life can be and my time with my friends and family doing amazing things has showed me how beautiful, awesome and utterly astonishing life can be. I'm now in a new group, the so called cancer family. The one family that not a single person in their right mind wants to be a part of. I didn't chose this, but if it was between me and any of you I would bear this burden 1000 times over. For me, seeing the ones I love suffer is far more painful than going through it myself. I see children, CHILDREN a fifth of my age going through treatment. They are battered, bruised and some you can tell just wont make it. But they fight. They fight like they are trained and experienced veterans of life and all it has to offer. Seeing things up close will change your perspective on life. It is one thing seeing a TV commercial or hearing about people that are in need, but seeing it in your face will change you, I guarantee.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px; min-height: 29px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We all base our lives on perspective. It is impossible to deny this and to what degree each person does this is largely based on what they have experienced. To be more clear, you all feel bad for me and that is amazing and I can not thank you all enough, but there are people far more worse off than I. I ask you all to do what you are doing now. You are helping me in a way you will never really know and I can't ever explain, but I ask you to continue on. There are so many amazing organizations, hospitals and non profits and PEOPLE that need endless amounts of help. I don't care what it is, where it is or how often you do it. Just help others! If you think you have the strength go to a children's hospital and volunteer, do it. It will only take you a second to understand why I say if you think you are strong enough. If that does not change your perspective and appreciation for life, you probably should check for a pulse. This, us here now is a testament to the power of the human spirit and our will and desire to help others in need. Maybe this is your first fund raiser maybe it's your 100th. Either way you now see just how easy it is to change a life… TO help save a life. If its your first, I hope this is a catalyst for you to start doing your part for the rest of the people who need a little help. If it is your 100th, keep going. I honestly can not thank you all enough and I never will be able to, but what I promise is that I will fight with all that I have. I will exhaust every option and be a force for change. You are all on the winning team now, and I hope you continue on this journey with me and allow me to one day repay you all. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px; min-height: 29px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px; min-height: 29px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">If you read my blog you know I usually end with a quote that I find funny or relate to what I talk about. I have tried my hardest to keep religion out of this because I neither want to offend or stray people in one way or another, but I think this quote by one of the greatest warriors and leaders the world has ever known is un biased and relative to a life worth living. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Marcus arelius said, "Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are Gods, but unjust, you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone.. but you will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones."</span></div>
<br />
<br />
FTGF,<br />
Ryan xo<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4ZaobiiKhUc/USlqKOqBpmI/AAAAAAAAAPY/2EfnOft5tNY/s1600/photo+(2).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="424" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4ZaobiiKhUc/USlqKOqBpmI/AAAAAAAAAPY/2EfnOft5tNY/s640/photo+(2).JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Birthday Crew!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Stay tuned, next week I will be sharing some fun and exciting things!!<br />
<br />
<br />Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-78496344747299552242013-02-03T21:32:00.001-08:002021-11-29T11:49:36.064-08:00My mother is my hero.<span style="background-color: white;"><span>Some things get me thinking...</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>I have now been in treatment for brain cancer going on three weeks. I have had my ups and downs just like any other person going through the wonderful world of chemo and radiation therapy. Tuesday night I got the results from my latest lab work back and my white blood cell count dropped pretty low. I was instructed to hold off on the chemo until my numbers stabilized and I was not at such a high risk to get overly sick. I went on a 2 day "chemocation 2013" and it was glorious. I had my energy back, I slept better and felt healthy again... And then I tested again Friday and was told to start my chemo again... Dang... It was fun while it lasted. I am not trying to say my chemo is terrible and I know for a fact that compared to most people going through what I am, I am literally on an island vacation. My side effects have been minimal and I have yet to vomit once (knock on wood.) The only thing is, I do not feel like myself. I do not like taking toxic medications that were originally formulated to kill humans. I do not like exposing myself to toxins that are known carcinogens and lethal in large amounts, but I am fighting. Suffering in the short term is part of battle. I am in a full fledged war on cancer and there will be hard times. There will be bad times and no matter what I will stay strong. My mother went through this right before my eyes and I can now for the first time ever say I truly can relate to how she felt.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>My mother fought her war for a long time. She was strong, and she was resilient. She was the ultimate warrior and she is my hero. I still remember her in all her beauty, not the time when the cancer took over her body... I don't recall what she looked like when she passed and I do not care to. That was not her. That was cancer. That was the disguise her body took on when the disease srpead so far that there was no hope left. That was not my mother any longer, that was cancer. What I remember was beauty, strength and power. She was beautiful, a beauty only a mother can have in the eyes of her child. She was such a fighter and refused to give up. She never took on the attitude of "why me?" and I truly think that is what is making me so strong through all of this. I HAD to stay strong for her sake and even in the hardest of times I could not let her see me cry. There were two instances where I doubted myself and whether or not I could bear to see her suffer any longer. One, I will keep to myself and the other was the day the doctor told us there was no hope left. </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>The doctor pulled myself and my sisters into his office and apologized, he said "I am sorry, but I don't think there is anything left that we can do. The chemo is not working and I do not want to put your mother through anymore pain." We kind of already knew this was coming and hearing it from the doctor simply cemented it in our heads. We now had to prepare for the inevitable. This was not the hard part. We had a calendar at my mother's apartment which was a schedule of daily activities, Monday- radiation 10am. Tuesday- day off (have fun!) Weds- Chemo 11am. Thursday- radiation 10am. Friday- radiation 10am. Saturday and Sunday- Make mom laugh. This was our schedule and we stuck to it. Once the doctor broke the news to us, that schedule became Mon-Sun make mom laugh like she has never laughed before. My mother knew what happened and without telling her, she knew. She knew it was a lost cause and her days were now numbered. She knew, but she wanted to fight. She wanted to fight like a single warrior up against an army of 10,000 armed soldiers trained and focused on nothing but murder. We changed the calendar one day to the above mentioned schedule, and she changed it back to the chemo and radiation schedule. We told her we don't need to do that anymore and she didn't care. She said she is fighting this and she is going to win. She will see her grandsons first birthday and she will watch me marry and my sister have her first child. She swore she would never smoke another cigarette, she said she will do WHATEVER it takes and she would not give up. She changed the calendar three different times and it killed me inside every time having to see the chemo schedule back up. She did not want to give up. She had more fight in her than any person I have ever met in my life. Even when it got bad towards the end, she swore she would never give up. She is my hero, she is my angel and I admire her more today than I ever have. She fought until her last breathe and both my sisters and I were there for her until the bitter end. I have always been a 'momma's boy' and am proud of it. I never left her side when I knew the end was coming and I think she knew I was there. She waited to take her last breathe, she waited until I stepped out of the room for one stupid reason or another. I was gone for less than 5 minutes and came back to a room with the empty shell of what was my mother. She fought her ass off. She tried to tame something that is untamable and she would not take no for an answer. My mother is my hero. She is everything in life that I hope to become and I think everyone needs to take note of what a true fight looks like. </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>I apologize if I just got really emotional and made you step outside of your comfort zone. I try my hardest to keep these posts as positive and up beat as I possibly can, but today for some reason I could not stop thinking about my childhood and the days spent with my mother. Maybe it was being back in my old neighborhood with friends that I spent countless Super Bowls accompanied with my mom, maybe it was a talk I had with a newly war battered <u>VICTOR</u> Debbie Adams in the breast cancer battle or maybe I was just was overly thoughtful today. Whatever it was, I am glad it happened. I don't think about her as much as I used to and remembering her beautiful face is the perfect preparation for another week of toxic exposure and chemo madness. I know what she went through and I know after watching what she fought through, this is a fucking cake walk. Life is all a matter of perspective, we all have it good compared to the person who does not. This is not a reason to feel sympathetic, this is a reason to live life. This is why everyone should live their fucking lives like they have never lived before. Don't find your will and desire to live a happy life because of me, find someone who is your hero and make a conscious decision to live a life that would make them happy. And if you can not find a hero, live a life that would make everyone envious. If we truly are here only once, make the best of it and DO NOT WAIT until you are forced to live, make a decision and break rules. Have fun and do things that people say you shouldn't. </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>"Wherever life takes you, leave the place shaking, disrupted and trying to imagine what it was like before you came. Be a force for change. For pondering. And re-pondering. For LOVE and the belief in the GOOD OF PEOPLE. Go forth and be a force of awesome. Do epic, terrifying, unheard of shit. Whatever makes you happy. And drugs. And other "bad" things. And fall in love. If nothing else, fall in love."</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>-Jordan Lejuwaan.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>My new life motto.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>xx</span><br />
<span>FTFG,</span><br />
<span>Ryan </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>instagram @ryan_coffelt for epic visuals of the cancer life.</span></span>Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-32017950820011353012013-01-27T11:58:00.001-08:002021-11-17T13:01:51.580-08:00Two weeks down...<span style="background-color: white;"><br />
<span>Only 4 weeks, or 21 rounds of radiation left. Oh and another extra few weeks of chemo. And then there is the rest of my life. My life which is now completely and utterly different in every way imaginable. Everything about me is different, my attitude on life, my philosophy and inspirations, my goals, dreams, wants and needs, my mental and physical health and everything in between. It is a long road and it is the rest of my life. Something like a GBM does not just vanish one day, it might go into remission, but there is always going to be a chance that it will one day come back. I will do everything I can to win this battle and keep it gone for as long as my body will allow me. This is important to me and it is important to the ones who love me, I have to fight and I have to win. </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>Natashia had a long talk with me on Friday night, a talk that needed to be had. I can honestly say up until then, I might not have been taking this seriously enough. This is literally my life at stake. This cancer will take over 90% of the people it infects within the first two years. That means that 9 out of 10 will not live 3 years past their diagnosis. I have been so optimistic and trying so hard to find the right answers that I kind of forgot exactly what I am up against. I was putting things off and not wanting to spend the money which was donated to help me in this battle unless I was COMPLETELY certain that it would benefit in my battle. I DO NOT want to waste people's money who care for me and are entrusting me to make the right decisions in regards to how it is spent. The thing is though, there is no 'right answer.' There are many possible treatments, there are numerous outlets and thousands of theories. All of which I have read over and studied, but still can not find the answer I want. The answer will never be found because there is not an answer. After Natashia knocked some sense into me, I realized I need to just make some decisions, cross my fingers and hope that together we can all beat this. It has been tough for me to accept that there is a chance that I might not see 30 and part of me wants to take every day and explore and experience things I have dreamt about since a boy, but the rational and logical fighter in me knows that this will get me no where. I need to fight this with all I can and make well informed decisions. There are people who care for and love me. There are few things we can say for certain about this mysterious life we live, but I think it is well understood that our time on this planet is meaningful and we are here for one reason or another. What that reason is will remain a mystery until each one of our hearts stop beating, but until that time I want to stay here as long as I can and spend time with the people who mean the most to me. Death can wait for me, not the other way around.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>I am now done with my second week of treatment, it has been an interesting ride with exceptional highs and not so fun lows. The first few days were rough and I think my body needed to get used to the copious amounts of foreign toxins that were flooded into my veins at a rate which I have never experienced. I woke up nearly every night for the first few days nauseated and a nice little headache (which I think is due to the radiation.) As of last Saturday I felt human again. I went out to celebrate the beautiful Brighton B's Bday at an exceptional brunch on the beach front. I enjoyed feeling the sun again and seeing friends who truly care about how I am. Sunday I woke up energized and I did not nap once throughout the day (I think this is the second time since surgery I have made a whole day without a nap!) Then week two started and it has been a bit more bumpy then I was hoping for. I have had a couple bad days, but mostly good ones. I am not complaining or reaching for sympathy, I am simply telling my story. I knew this was going to be tough and I was lucky the first week went as well as it did. I have also learned lessons, such as dont take 10 different pills on an empty stomach then drink your first cup of coffee in over a month on an empty stomach. This will lead to a not very fun next 6 hours. I also learned to switch sides of my abdomen for my injections. Staying on the same side will lead to a small baby appearing overnight. I guess I am learning on the fly and thats really the only choice I have. =)</span><br />
<br />
<span>This past week I began recording my radiation therapies in the form of stop motion using my phone.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ERS9AQC5Xg" target="_blank">5 days of radiation</a> <--Click the link to check it out!</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>It is an extremely easy process which takes less than 10 minutes usually. The staff and nurses are exceptionally awesome, nice, informative and knowledgeable and always answer my 10,000 questions I have for them. They don't even care that I seem to have a new visitor with me every treatment who wants to see 'The Ark!" The process of the radiation is simple, albeit very uncomfortable especially for anyone who suffers from any type of claustrophobia. It is not the process that bothers me as there is no pain, smell, feeling or anything other than me laying on a table listening to a loud buzz. What bothers me is the fact that I know I am exposing myself to extremely toxic and lethal substances that have long term side effects. I am doing everything I can to rid myself of this ailment, I just hope and pray I am not doing it at the expense of my future health. (Fingers crossed)</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>I continue to enjoy life more and more, my friends are coming to visit me and I am doing things I never thought I would want or need to do. My passion for photography has re-emerged and I am walking the streets of LA finding amazing art everywhere. Living in LA is a fun and interesting time. I love being able to walk anywhere I want and living on Sunset makes it an easy trek up to observatory which has the most amazing views of the city. I also frequent the 'church' of scientology to catch up on my cult lifestyle gossip and try to get them to tell me the secret of life (unsuccessful thus far.)</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>Going forward I have another 4 weeks of radiation, a lot more chemo and the trial drug Velcade will continue on until either I decide to stop or they think it has worked or will have no chance of helping anymore. I have meetings with my surgeon, Dr. Chen who got me on the path to recovery with an amazingly smooth and basically total resection of the tumor in December. This was an important first step in the process and am thankful he did his job as well as he did. Going through 6 or 7 surgeons to get to him seems worth it now! I also will be meeting with my nutritionist and trying to figure out how I can change my lifestyle in order to further my chances at a victory in this war. Diet and lifestyle DO DIRECTLY impact your chances at cancer, don't let the media or doctors fool you into thinking it is all decided by your genes and there is nothing you can do to control it. There might be certain traits you are destined with, but for the most part cancer is not one of them and I truly believe that. I am not a trained physician in any means, but I have learned enough about oncology to draw an opinion of my own.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>I am extremely excited for the next few weeks. My family is coming down from Portland to visit and February 9th is the benefit show! February 10th, the awesome people at Carnelian Salon in Pasadena are doing a 'cut-a-thon' to help out as much as they can and I am uberly excited to call them my friends now! It is from 9am-2pm so if you are looking a little shaggy, go get a cut for a cause =). I am still overwhelmed by all the support and love I have gotten from everyone. It is a beautiful testament to the people in my life, you guys are amazing, strong, supportive, loving and most of all care about me. I often think that thanks are not even enough, but it is all I have right now, but when this is over I plan on making all of your lives special in one way or another. Monday also marks the 3rd year Natashia and I have been together. I plan on another 50, if she'll keep me that is! She has been amazing and strong through all of this and I can not thank her enough. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IrCmQ-YIo8Q/UQWEMN7Y-dI/AAAAAAAAANw/N1VLL8ZIbYc/s1600/DSC_0134.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="422" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IrCmQ-YIo8Q/UQWEMN7Y-dI/AAAAAAAAANw/N1VLL8ZIbYc/s640/DSC_0134.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">My friends love Sadie Hawkins so much they celebrate it once a week!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TEsSsW-voTc/UQWETE-KmRI/AAAAAAAAAN4/DBdoTiklNzc/s1600/DSC_0251.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="422" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TEsSsW-voTc/UQWETE-KmRI/AAAAAAAAAN4/DBdoTiklNzc/s640/DSC_0251.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">The bday brunch crew for Brighton B!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-C7-QEMSEoTc/UQWETYh16rI/AAAAAAAAAN8/vOpnVyPazmg/s1600/DSC_0237.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="422" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-C7-QEMSEoTc/UQWETYh16rI/AAAAAAAAAN8/vOpnVyPazmg/s640/DSC_0237.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">A couple babes. And me.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cKFUUGFxUKg/UQWEWCu-uCI/AAAAAAAAAOI/4qEmF-sCYPk/s1600/DSC_0299.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="422" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cKFUUGFxUKg/UQWEWCu-uCI/AAAAAAAAAOI/4qEmF-sCYPk/s640/DSC_0299.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Scott loves his duck face.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T7Dhc5nsOLo/UQWEXzpKREI/AAAAAAAAAOY/Bzp5CdC42vk/s1600/DSC_0308.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="422" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T7Dhc5nsOLo/UQWEXzpKREI/AAAAAAAAAOY/Bzp5CdC42vk/s640/DSC_0308.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">One of the coolest girls I know.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rAyE1rajFMM/UQWEYNAqdJI/AAAAAAAAAOg/GTH3Bs6u0YE/s1600/DSC_0297.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="422" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rAyE1rajFMM/UQWEYNAqdJI/AAAAAAAAAOg/GTH3Bs6u0YE/s640/DSC_0297.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Chris is alive!!! I was confused, thought he got smuggled into Mexico or something.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W-rw-1-CqM8/UQWEvcKkf8I/AAAAAAAAAOw/opdQgO6JyxA/s1600/photo+(1)+copy.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-W-rw-1-CqM8/UQWEvcKkf8I/AAAAAAAAAOw/opdQgO6JyxA/s640/photo+(1)+copy.JPG" width="480" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Blood work like it's my job! And she was a cool nurse.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BgPiIlbrtO4/UQWEv-ZDgSI/AAAAAAAAAO4/UGC4Wou9ZSc/s1600/photo+(1).JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BgPiIlbrtO4/UQWEv-ZDgSI/AAAAAAAAAO4/UGC4Wou9ZSc/s640/photo+(1).JPG" width="480" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">The amazing Stacy Cato and the babe organizing the shirts!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-76Whjhp0pO0/UQWEw9lkG4I/AAAAAAAAAPA/sFYFUBgQcc0/s1600/photo.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-76Whjhp0pO0/UQWEw9lkG4I/AAAAAAAAAPA/sFYFUBgQcc0/s640/photo.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Like I said, blood work like it's my job!! Thats 18 viles of blood in one sitting. (A personal best)<br /></span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Sorry for the long delay in between posts, have been quite busy as you can see! I won't let it happen again!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">"Many people will live their entire lives without ever living." Author unknown.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">xx</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">FTGF.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Ryan</span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">And heres the link again for the stop motion radiation</span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ERS9AQC5Xg" target="_blank">Radiation Treatment</a></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> </span><br />
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1384397177183988247.post-74054438186585635742013-01-16T09:49:00.001-08:002021-11-29T11:47:54.160-08:00Treatment: Day 1<span style="background-color: white;"><span>High school... I think that was the last time I knew exactly what I wanted, should and needed to do. It is all too often that us as humans as a whole fall into routines we do not really appreciate nor want. We take the job that pays the most. We settle for what we think we deserve, but deep down know we know we are meant for more. We do not take time out of our days to appreciate life. We forget and take for granted what we absolutely adored in our youth. Our minds become institutionalized on the daily grind of what we think we need. We collect 'things' we think we need to modify and enhance our lives, but only later we find these things eventually begin to become more important to us then the ones we love. I fully understand, appreciate and RESPECT the work we put in on a daily basis. This is the motor that keeps our world moving and if we all decided to quit our jobs the economy as we know it would collapse and we would hate life even more then we did while working. What I do not agree with is how we spend our free time. Some people choose to spend their free time sitting on their couches, computers or video game consoles. This is not life, this is wasting time with yourself and wasting a valuable resource to human civilization. We can give back to what life has given us. As children we did not have a care in the world, all that we worried about was when the next time was that we could go outside and play. We grow up and blow away in a sense. We forget what we loved and become corrupted by the want and need for money and in turn more 'things.'</span><br />
</span><div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">I have lived this lie since high school. I always wanted the next cool gadget or the nicer car. I wanted to earn money so I can spend it on stuff that I really do not need. There are a few things in my life that I can honestly say I need, the rest is all just taking up space. Today I have direction. Today I woke up and for the first time since I can remember said thank you for another day. I have people in my life who love me and I in turn love them. This is what is important to me now. Now I have a meaning; through all of this my life has turned into more than just me. I realize now what I wish I had always known. This epiphany happened once before when my mother passed, but like life does - it went on. I grew older and began to forget what I learned from my mother's suffering. Be grateful for everyday you wake up. Remember to tell the ones you love what they mean to you. Don't waste your time and energy on things that do not really matter and most of all this life is NOT all about yourself. There are plenty of people out there that suffer far greater than you. Everyone needs to realize this: there are people out there worse off then you. Life may seem impossible at times and your self pity might run extremely high at some points, but don't forget that you most likely still have it easy compared to what some people are going through. And I am not talking about myself, I have an ailment yes, but I will fight it, I will survive. There are people out there far younger, stronger and amazingly epic who are fighting wars that are exponentially worse then anything I will ever face. We need to remember that even though we may never meet them, they are out there and in turn we have no right to feel sorry for ourselves.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">*</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">*</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">Yesterday was my first day of treatment. I honestly knew one thing: I am going to have more drugs ni my body then I ever have in my life. I HATE taking medications. I despise the pharmaceutical industry and everything they have become. Drugs are not the answer for most of our problems, but I understand what I am up against and this time I have to give in. My body will become the link of man and medicine and we will see what modern science can accomplish along with a stubborn and unrelenting patient that has no time for this nonsense. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">My day started at around 6am. Waking up and knowing what I was in for was kind of unsettling, but I was excited to take the first step. Any cancer patient will tell you it is always the waiting that is the hardest, whether it is waiting for your test results or waiting to hear news - the waiting is the hardest part. Natashia and I headed out to UCLA for my first injection of the trial drug Velcade. The nurses went over copious amounts of paperwork, possible side effects and everything that I have heard 35 times already. 2 hours later I got my injection right into my belly (yes it hurt) and I was off. By the way if you ever go to UCLA's medical school, invest in a compas and perhaps a personal GPS system. The place is huge and very easy to get lost.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">The drive from UCLA to my apartment off sunset was nice. We drove through Brentwood and past Bel Air and then down the sunset strip. It is a part of LA I need to experience more and now that it is home, I think I might make more of an effort to see some of the things LA has to offer. We arrived at my apartment, checked in and unpacked. This is around the time I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing. They told me it might make me tired, but I under estimated their claim. So I hit the bed and was out. My awesome and beautiful gf went to target to get some items we needed and I slept. A nice nap and an hour or so later and it was time to get my daily dose of poison to my brain. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">My dad and step mom came up to support me through my new step in life. We walked over to the clinic and checked in. I met a couple of the nurses and waited for my name to be called. Once my name was called they took me back to "The Ark." Yes, their radiation rooms are all named and mine is called "The Ark." I was realllllly hoping I would get "Megatron" but I guess The Ark is a cool second. The radiation treatment is certainly an experience. They strap my face to a table, push me under a giant sphere UFO looking thing and leave the room. They then do an X-Ray to double and triple check the area is correct and then I get to sit for about 15 minutes while my brain is pumped with poison. The entire things takes less than 30 minutes. But understand, 30 minutes strapped to a table barely able to breathe through a mask and not able to move AT ALL seems more like a few hours. It is something I will certainly have to get used to. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">A nice walk back to the apartment and it is nearly dinner time. Tasha cooked some chicken and asparagus (part of my new no sugar, no carbohydrate diet which I will explain later.) I am now on chemo, it is in my body and I have no idea what it is doing. I know what to expect and I am hoping I do not experience most of what I know I potentially can experience. The chemo I took right before I went to bed. I also took an anti-nausea (which didn't help all that much.) I woke a few times throughout the night not feeling so hot and trying to force myself back to sleep was a fun task. They say to wait an hour or two after eating before you take these poison tablets, but I think tonight I will give it at least 3 hours. I eventually slept through the night and woke up this morning. I said goodbye to Natashia and I am now at home in Ryan's Residing Radiation Residence (What I will call my apartment for the next 2 months) all by myself. Today I have another dose of brain poison at 1:40 and more chemo. This will continue the same everyday Monday through Friday and the only change will be on the weekends. Saturday and Sunday my brain gets a break from the poison, but my body doesn't. I will continue my chemotherapy for 42 straight days and my Velcade will be done basically 4 days every 2 weeks repeating. Along with 400 medications, my treatments and a soon to be depleting memory, I think a calendar is order! </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">That was my first day, this was my first step in a process that has been done by many before me and will continue on until there is a cure. It is the next step in my battle against the little monster in my head. The next 42 days will be a test on my body, mind and spirit. There will be lows, but I know there will be just as many highs. Sitting in the waiting room of the oncology center, I saw so many people fighting the same battle as me. They were all much older and many looked like they had already given up and thrown in the flag on their battle. Cancer is a terrible disease and I know coming to grips with your own mortality is a trying experience. We all have things to live for and there is no reason to ever give up. It was a somber and sad room and I decided right then and there that I will never become one of them. I will stay strong and no matter what I will be appreciative for everyday I am given. </span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">*</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">Welcome to the battle friends, I hope you are all up for it and together we will get through this, I promise.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">"Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect." Author unknown.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">FTGF</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">xx,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white;">Ryan</span></div>
<div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-trN2VsC2LmI/UPbm-ghgaTI/AAAAAAAAANc/vlZcpTP5LOA/s1600/photo.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-trN2VsC2LmI/UPbm-ghgaTI/AAAAAAAAANc/vlZcpTP5LOA/s640/photo.JPG" width="480" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">The fun begins!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xIhdKL2Lam0/UPbm3ZcJa1I/AAAAAAAAAM8/HsfG4ngd3BA/s1600/photo+copy+2.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xIhdKL2Lam0/UPbm3ZcJa1I/AAAAAAAAAM8/HsfG4ngd3BA/s400/photo+copy+2.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">Chemo. Sucks. Balls.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span><br /></span>
</span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FxKJlVhukyE/UPbm7sPMhFI/AAAAAAAAANE/_IxbtjkaaOs/s1600/photo+copy+4.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FxKJlVhukyE/UPbm7sPMhFI/AAAAAAAAANE/_IxbtjkaaOs/s640/photo+copy+4.JPG" width="480" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">Getting sick of seeing these.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span><br /></span>
</span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ud9OuwngSM0/UPbm8TlysII/AAAAAAAAANM/lA2ofIpZiuU/s1600/photo+copy+3.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ud9OuwngSM0/UPbm8TlysII/AAAAAAAAANM/lA2ofIpZiuU/s400/photo+copy+3.JPG" width="300" /></span></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span><br /></span>
</span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Npcs9uIyqm0/UPbm9ssPn1I/AAAAAAAAANU/-nyRpU-3qMY/s1600/photo+copy.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Npcs9uIyqm0/UPbm9ssPn1I/AAAAAAAAANU/-nyRpU-3qMY/s640/photo+copy.JPG" width="480" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">Blood or black tar?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<br /></div>
Ryanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03463461159183158073noreply@blogger.com9