The Journey

Before I get into my diagnosis, let me preface this all by saying I will survive this.  I will carry on and you all will get sick of me one day.  I am not ignorant and this diagnosis was the complete opposite of what I was hoping for.  I recall reading about Grade IV GBM's (GBM's are what we call them in the biz) and thinking, "Wow, I hope I don't have that."  Well, I do.  This is not easy to say and I know once you all 'google' my diagnosis you will understand why I am not in as high of spirits as I once was.  (I think I am allowed an hour or two of initial shock, but I will get over it.)  This particular cancer has a shelf life of about 1-2 years after diagnosis.  This timeline doesn't even get me to 30 and I am not ok with that.   Listening to the doctor tell me I am a Grade IV Glioblastoma (aka the worst and most aggressive brain cancer known) was like sitting through my death sentence in court.  It was hard- to say th...

2 months ago I was a normal 27 year old man.  Had a new job, a new car and my life seemed like it was on track.  I had an amazing girlfriend and I stressed about all of the pointless things in life we stress about everyday.  2 months ago I was normal, and then I wasn't.  I still recall that friday afternoon happy hour with my co-workers from IMS, "I can only stay for a drink, I have to go to a CT scan just to rule anything out, my brain has been feeling a bit strange lately and my doctor is being paranoid."  Maybe I was being paranoid, maybe my doctor saved my life.  All I know is that I am beyond thankful that she ordered that scan 2 months ago.  Since the the second I walked out of that CT scan I knew something was wrong.  I walked out of the chamber where the x-rays slam into my body in an invisible fashion and extract images from bone and matter in my brain.  All the while I feel nothing, yet know the poisons that are ...

The past 7 days have been a crazy and emotional roller coaster.  Last Saturday I was sitting at Joe's in DT Fullerton talking and catching up with friends, re-aquatinting old friends and sparking up brand new ones.  I was and still am in a sense of relief.  What I think will be the hardest part of this entire experience is now over.  The surgery was without a doubt a scary thing to go through.  From the time it began until I awoke 6 or so hours later to me seemed only like a matter of minutes.  I know for my family it seemed so much longer and I am so thankful that they were so strong throughout it.  So for those of you interested in how a craniotomy works, from my experience at least here goes nothing!  They did all my pre admittance and paperwork the friday before the procedure.  That means I was at Kaiser in LA for about 8 hours friday afternoon slash evening.  Once we completed the marathon pre-op appointment which consiste...

The hardest part has past us, Ryan's surgery. Ryan is now on his way to recovering from the monster that couldn't stand a chance, the brain tumor. Yesterday morning he had surgery to remove the tumor in his left frontal lobe of his brain.  Dr. Chen was Ryan's neurosurgeon here at Kaiser Hospital in Los Angeles.  His surgery started at 7:30am and was predicted to last about 3 to 6 hours including prep and surgery time.  I have to tell you all how amazed I was with Ryan yesterday, he didn't seem like he had one nervous bone in his body.  He was actually trying to relax me (Natashia his girlfriend) than I was him, it was pretty funny.  They called him back to prep him at about 7:30am.  The nurses got him in his gown and hooked him all up.  They called for his sisters and I to come hang with him before we was pulled into surgery.  As we walked back into the hospital, the nurses open a curtain and there was Ryan kicking back watching football.  He...

I decided with my good friend Kellie's help that a quick get away was needed.  I have been thinking about everything way too much and San Francisco was a great place to clear my mind before the resection is done.  Kellie is a flight attendant for Virgin America and was able to get me on a flight for nearly nothing so I packed a bag and was off to visit my friends in the Bay!  I got to SF on Tuesday morning.  I took the first flight out so I was lucky enough to be up at 4:30am to carpool with another flight attendant friend and catch a ride on her plane.  Needless to say, the service was second to none and the flight was a breeze. (Thanks Caity!) Once I got to the city it was like I never left.  I used to spend a lot of time in SF when I was living in San Luis Obispo and this was the first time I have been there in a few years.  Anyone who has ever been in San Fran knows the great smells you are immediately greeted with, the smell of piss and smelly...

The following is something I wrote a year after my mom passed.  It is kinda long, but it is a testament to how I still feel.  I do not think I deserve sympathy, I know there are people out there far more deserving than I.  I am going through a tough time, THAT IS ALL.  Regardless of the outcome I know I am stronger than ever before.  Please feel free to share this with anyone you want.      *Warning, it has some bad language.   It has been one year now.  I thought I could run.  My feet could't carry me fast enough.  If you tried all your life, you could run 60,000 miles and your fears would just smile and become your shadow during the day and your lonely silence at night.  This last year my life has changed more than any past 365 days.  I went from destruction to depression.  From faithless to lost and back again.  Every corner I turned  I felt like I was being hit by a new truck right in the fa...

Round 2. The date is "set" again hopefully this time it sticks.   December 17th 2012 is the last day this tumor will know my body. The functional MRI came back and the tumor was a "safeish" distance from any vital areas in my brain.  The doctors said I could go either way, awake or asleep. The explorer and adventurist part of me wanted to do it awake while the safe and rational Ryan was more for the asleep.  In the end I decided to do the procedure while under and my rationale was a two part decision: 1) the doctor informed me that during the awake procedure they will constantly be talking to me and at the first sign of any impairment on me they will abort the procedure. This is definitely the safer way, but since they are going to be working in my brain chances are I could lose a bit of speech during the procedure.  The thing is, the tumor is not that "close" to my primary speech center.  This is where the majority of my speech comes from and as long as...

I have been so amazingly grateful to not have the terrible side effects which the typical brain tumor is accompanied with; seizures, nausea, severe headaches, memory loss, numbness and just about every other ailment you can imagine.  In contrast to many people's stories I have read and heard about, a mild headache and some trouble trying to remember what I was thinking are two very small issues I can deal with.  This morning that all came to a screeching halt.  I woke up with the absolute worst headache I have ever experienced which eventually led to some fun vomiting.  For anyone who has been around me while I am vomiting, you all know I make sure and let EVERYONE in the immediate district know that I am vacating my stomach.  On top of vomiting which is bad enough, throwing up with an excruciating headache is a trade I think I am going to have to master.  (Not to be too graphic, but I warned you all earlier in this blog you will get the good, the...

The waiting game continues... It is both frustrating to me as well as everyone else.  It has been a week since I did my last MRI and still no word.  The next step in this journey is removing whatever is growing in my brain.  Right now I feel like I am in a holding pattern running low on fuel.  I have found myself getting more and more temperamental with both myself and the ones I love.  I know this is not me and I am fixing it.  Last night, thanks to Sue Hamrock there was a healing mass for myself and others who are currently facing ailments that are out of their hands.  I am so thankful for everyone who came including friends I have not seen since high school!  Seeing familiar faces was a type of easing therapy.  I know I am facing a monstrous wall and hearing how many loving people are in my corner continually shocks me. It is times like these that people show their true colors- when people know you are in a tough sp...

We all have things we are thankful for.  Family, friends, a house over our head, a warm bed to sleep in, even the meal on our plate- the many things we all take for granted on a daily basis.  We take one day out of our year to remind ourselves and others just how much we appreciate what we have.  The thing is this year I am thankful for everything .  I am so glad to be able to spend time with people I love and whom love me most of all.  The human interaction is imperative to us as humans and without this interaction, life seems like it is in some ways pointless.  If I could break down everything I believe and think I know about life and why we are here, I would say that I truly believe that our life is not measured in days, months or years, but by how much we are able to change other peoples lives for the better.  Living a life on the pursuit of money, cars and girls is a life wasted if it is not equally important to help others every chance...

An MRI is not fun.   A functional MRI takes a regular MRI and puts it to shame.  It is longer, louder more cramped and far harder to sit still through, however you get to watch an exceptional screensaver slideshow stock on any and every Apple computer (which I have.)   Today I went and did my fMRI's.  I had to go out to UCLA Medical to have these done since it is a very specific type of MRI and both the software used and the person reading slash preparing them needs to know exactly how to do such a thing.  Driving to LA at 9 in the morning is never fun let alone when you know you have to go and have your brain examined for an hour and a half.  We got there fairly quick and had some time to kill so I attempted to use the bathroom.  UCLA Medical is kind of strange in that it has numerous dual sex bathrooms and not too many men / women.  Well, I found a dual sex bathroom that was the closest to where the waiting room was and went to do my busine...